BeattieFeathers posts from Niota, Tennessee. His avatar is a black-and-white photograph of a man in a leather helmet. He considers 40 times carpetbagger bookkeeping and evaluates linebackers by whether the other man gets back up. He’s been making the same argument since the SEC had ten teams.

“You can measure arm length, forty times and all that other horseshit. What you can’t measure is the heart of a man or whether he’s a goddamn football player. Telander is one.”

Tennessee linebacker Jeremiah Telander came off the edge, and behold, the REDACTED saw a rider on a pale horse.

Behind Telander came four pages of men carrying stopwatches, remembering old feuds and posting screenshots from E-arguments nobody had won.

VFF put Carter in the middle and Telander outside. Zeusify said Telander was too small to live on the edge. ATLVFL started Campbell and reduced Telander and Spillman to situational work.

By the sixth reply, Telander had been assigned edge, Mike, Will, Jack and the bench. DC Jim Knowles remained employed but had not been consulted.

Telander had played one game. By Tuesday morning, the Board had completed his career.

The trouble began when PowellStationVol said Telander made him nervous on the edge.

“I love Telander, but he’s an in-the-box linebacker. Perlotte is longer, faster and makes much more sense out there.”

Then came the Board’s ceremonial surrender:

“I guess that’s why Knowles makes two million and I don’t.”

Nobody believed he meant it. Least of all PowellStationVol.

TriCitiesVol explained that an edge defender must set the edge, hold contain and take on blockers. PowellStationVol agreed with every word and used it to reach the opposite conclusion.

This is how the REDACTED Board argues. Agreement is merely the Tail of the Dragon to another message-board disagreement.

EtowahOrange brought the intangibles. WestKnoxCPA requested two defensive ends who were not part of the question. George Cafego wanted Telander to keep his outside arm free and hit the pulling guard in the mouth.

George does not recognize speed as a football virtue unless it is being used to reach somebody who still needs hitting. George uttered a deep E-wet cough and called the roll: Steve Kiner, Steve DeLong, Keith DeLong, Steve Poole and Hacksaw Reynolds. The names came out in a 5–2. George still doesn’t recognize the spread.

Then somebody mentioned the reverse.

Telander lost contain on one reverse against Furman. Four pages of men who’d been fooled by the same play explained why he should’ve seen it coming. VolinBama admitted the TV cameras had fooled him, too. He wasn’t willing to forgive himself either.

SequatchieVol called it proof Telander lacked speed. JonesboroughVol called it discipline. SequatchieVol said slow players always call it discipline.

That reopened a 2024 recruiting fight involving three linebackers, three disputed 40 times—official, unofficial and hand-timed by somebody’s uncle—and the accusation that JonesboroughVol had never played organized football.

This was not correct. He had played junior-varsity fullback in 1987 for a McMinn County Junior High School that had been closed for two decades.

The credential was entered again.

MaryvilleVol Lights the Fuse

Then MaryvilleVol did what Vol Message Boarders like MaryvilleVol were placed on earth to do.

He brought up Colton Jumper.

“Same crowd that said Jumper didn’t have the football IQ to play linebacker.”

Sweet Jesus.

Keep in mind Jumper had not played for Tennessee since 2017. Nonetheless, this E-argument remained in excellent health.

One side remembered 126 tackles for the Big Orange and a couple of years with the New Orleans Saints. The other remembered every bad angle, every missed coverage assignment and the Oklahoma game as though Jumper had personally lost it while Butch Jones merely watched from the sidelines. Where does that knife really belong?

Cromptons3rdRead recognized MaryvilleVol from the original disputed thread. He rolled in hot:

“You said Jumper was a tackling machine because he fell on piles late.”

MaryvilleVol backpedaled and claimed to remember it differently.

“I said he cleaned up plays. You said he couldn’t identify a guard if one handed him a business card.”

Neither quote could be found. Both Boarders could recite the other’s post word for word.

SulliVol swept into the thread:

“NFL people kept Jumper around. But I’m sure a drywall installer from Lenoir City saw something Sean Payton missed.”

Bluetick88 stiffly objected to the entire premise. He had once defended Jumper, except during the Appalachian State game thread, which did not count because everybody had been drinking.

ThirdAndChavis had the receipts.

He always has the E-receipts.

ThirdAndChavis produced a 2016 post in which MaryvilleVol called Jumper “a dependable downhill linebacker.” He followed it with another in which MaryvilleVol wanted Jumper replaced before halftime. MaryvilleVol said the posts were taken out of context.

The context was football.

Then the old Tim Banks (former DC) factions crawled out. His former defenders accused his former critics of pretending they had supported aggressive defense all along. The critics accused the defenders of changing sides after Oklahoma. Someone mentioned Jeremy Banks. Then the mustard bottle. Then a golf ball.

Telander was still lurking in the hijacked thread somewhere.

WBYA stopped by long enough to type:

“Will be a liability against a decent opponent.”

No decent opponent was identified. No replacement was offered.

WBYA had poured gasoline through the mail slot. His afternoon was complete.

Back to Telander, Briefly.

Eventually somebody remembered the current player.

Everybody wished him success.

Half of them preferred he experience the success from the box.

A white linebacker remains the perfect message-board inkblot. If he plays aggressively, he has instincts. If he misses in space, he lacks athleticism. If he takes on a guard, he is tough. If he arrives late, he has a high motor. Whatever happens, he is cerebral.

Half of REDACTED loves him because he looks like he could set the edge and change a water pump before dark.

The other half distrusts him for exactly the same reason.

By dinner, Telander was an excellent edge setter, an inadequate pass rusher, a natural inside linebacker, a liability in space and the latest exhibit in a Colton Jumper trial that Tennessee has been refusing to adjourn for nine years.

Telander played one game. The Board gave him a forty time, a ceiling and nine years of somebody else’s enemies.

Related

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• Seven-Page Message Board Meltdown
• Vandy vs. Tennessee: Sancho Energy

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Share copy: Jeremiah Telander played one game. By Tuesday morning, the Board had assigned his position, measured his speed and reopened the Colton Jumper war. MaryvilleVol brought the matches. ThirdAndChavis brought the E-receipts.

Short: Telander played Furman. Colton Jumper caught a stray. The Board kept the receipts.