VolNation. VolQuest. Checkerboards. The moderators have made their pregame picks.

Every single one picked Alabama. Not one picked Tennessee.

The men trusted to keep the Vols safe are screaming FIRE in a packed theater and the users are trampling each other to reach the exits.

On VolQuest, Redbonevol asks whether this is the “Least amount of hope in the Heupel era going into Bama game?”

Tennessee is 5–1, ranked 14th, and SPittVol says he hasn’t seen hopelessness like this since Pruitt.

Someone mentioned Jeremy Pruitt. Five wins, and these nerds are crawling back into the fucking basement. The mood is a man holding ticket 86 at the county tag office while the clerk calls 11 and closes for lunch.

GBO1974 wonders if Tennessee should simply bare its neck to the Bama fangs.

The quarterback can’t throw. The line can’t block. Heupel can’t coach. Five wins remain unexplained.

YELLOW — THE LINE BLOWS CHUNKS

brockytop has had enough Year Six excuses. Why didn’t Heupel pay for transfers or keep Lance Heard? “There should be no excuses. Period.”

Heard just won SEC Offensive Lineman of the Week. At Kentucky.

Addy0730 says Tennessee needs two tight ends to keep its quarterback upright while DeSean Bishop breaks tackles for himself.

Bishop ran for 220 yards and three touchdowns against Auburn and won SEC Co-Offensive Player of the Week. He’s returned the award. Can’t accept a trophy earned behind five traffic cones wearing orange.

ORANGE — SCREAMING AND BOWEL EVACUATION

Raiford62 has a Saturday appointment to scream at Heupel: “I will watch the Alabama game and will scream at him again. It happens every game.”

ThirdAndImodium began his annual Third Saturday bowel evacuation at 0200. By the second series he expects four runs to the toilet. His wife leaves Big Boy Dude Wipes outside the door. She quit asking for the score years ago.

RED — TEN POINTS IF WE’RE LUCKY

GSPVol, the board’s Eeyore, expects “a long day for the good guys.” He’s already watching Alabama’s fourth touchdown in his head.

SPittVol doubts Tennessee can score 20. It needs 24–28. Twenty is less than twenty-four. The math is devastating. Jim Knowles’ defense has been assigned a second job.

Volador didn’t watch Arkansas but has studied Tennessee’s playcalling anyway. He figures ten points with the same playbook. Maybe Heupel has been hiding the real one for six games.

Film analysis without the inconvenience of film.

DARK RED — EAT YOUR OWN

Voldog47 remembers Alabama leaving Tennessee fans “bludgeoned, mugged and terrorized.”

Rifleman69 says if he ever calls it a loss before kickoff, somebody should take him out back and “Old Yeller” him. He predicts Tennessee will win. Karl82 and Rifleman69 are already tearing into each other over pumpers and negas.

It’s a Kalen DeBoer bobblehead convention: orange-clad pessimists nodding for Bama, then cracking their skulls together over who understands the fucking spread.

OFFICIAL READING — I TOLD YOU SO

The needle is buried between WE’RE FUCKED and I TOLD YOU SO.

At the far right sits Beefe, who once turned a Tennessee tight end’s injury into a complaint about the entire roster. If Tennessee wins, all his warnings turn to shit. If Alabama wins, he gets something better than a Tennessee victory: being right.

He’s already doubled over, slapping the table, rehearsing his laugh until he can barely breathe.

His wife knows the routine. Twenty-five years of marriage have taught her to let him believe he wins every argument. She turns off the light.

Beefe refreshes the board, fingers ready:

“TOLD YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.”

These are real public discussions held by real Tennessee fans.