Just days after being suspended for the remainder of the NBA season, embattled referee Joey Crawford announced he will be stepping in the ring in a unique pay-per-view event where he will take on Chuck Norris, Nature Boy Ric Flair, Kermit Washington, Lou Pinella, George Foreman and 7-foot former heavyweight boxing champion Nikolai Valuev all in one night in “JoeyGeddon 07.”

In a press conference at the Kenosha, Wisconsin Holiday Inn Express that can only be described as “Muhammad Ali meets Barney Fife on meth,” Joey finally put the whistle in his pocket long enough to deliver a few choice words that had clearly been brewing under the surface for quite some time. Some excerpts:

“Normally, I’m ticky-tacking some bitch-ass two-guard in a one-eight NBA playoff game this time of year to show him who’s boss. But Daddy’s got bills to pay. I’m spry, I’m buff. I’m a 55-year old one-man gang. Check out my biceps, America. I got th’ guns of muthafuckin’ Navarone…right here!”

When asked if Tim Duncan was going to participate in JoeyGeddon 07, Crawford added that “Timmy don’t want none of me. He knows I’ll climb up on him and give him the Atomic Elbow. I’ve wanted to drop-kick him right square in his big, floppy nutbag since he came to the league. I’ve had enough of his mopey-assed “o woe is me, I’m seven feet tall, no one understands me” pity-party crap. He shoulda left that shit at Wake Forest.”

Byron, that’s “T” as in “TerrorDome!”

He issued a warning to Duncan, saying, “You just stay in the playoffs where it’s nice and safe, Timmy. But the moment Phoenix bounces your ass, I dare you to step in Uncle Joey’s Temple of Doom.”

Crawford finished his press conference by ripping his shirt off and yelling, “You want summa this, America? You wanna go, Bill Walton, you overgrown hippie? I’ll yank out your heart, show it to your face, throw it on the ground and go Michael Flatley on it. I’ll Riverdance on your aorta, bitch…Stephen A. Smith, I will pimpslap your soul. My 19-inch pythons are gonna go Wild Kingdom Come on your asses, Saturday night, June 16th, 7 o’clock-only on pay-per-view!”

As Joey began posing down, an unnamed member of Crawford’s posse, aka “The Buzz-Cut Gerries,” shot Crawford eleven times with a tranquilzer gun and then drug him offstage.