RHEIN, Germany– A man claiming to be the “last goddamn Rhein Fire season-ticket holder” has been hospitalized after setting himself on fire on the fifty yard-line inside LTU Arena earlier today. Maartin Cuntschlagel, 30, wearing a Drew Henson gameday jersey, was first seen urinating on the fifty-yard line by local police. He subsequently inserted and deployed an entire can of pepper spray up his rectum before setting himself on fire. Police quickly subdued him and extinguished the flames.

Cuntschlagel, a Subway sandwich artist from Dusseldorf, suffered third-degree burns over 45% of his body and is listed in stable condition. He is expected to be arrested upon his discharge from the hospital. Through his lawyer, Gerhardt Schultz, Cuntschlagel released a statement that said, “While I am terribly disappointed that NFL Europe has ceased operations, I am even more saddened that my fellow countrymen did not join me in sending a message that we, the republic of Germany, are mad as hell about their decision.”Cuntschlagel added that “From this day forward, I will never, ever root for your Houston Texans again. And Garo Yepremian can kiss my uncircumsized German wang.”