You can’t get much more wrong  than these wieners so close together

The following is from an unknown author from the Penn State Rivals Football Board:

As I was watching the Notre Dame v. Penn State game tonight, I couldn’t help but worry about the poor Nittany Lions. They scored a touchdown, and ESPN showed Jimmy Clausen’s family. They kicked the ball off, and ESPN showed Jimmy Clausen’s family. Jimmy Clausen giggled on the sideline and ESPN… showed his family. I know more about Jimmy Clausen’s family than I do about Michael Jordan’s family. And Kobe, Lebron, Jerry Rice, Michael Johnson, Roger Federer, the President, Orville Redenbacher and Jesus Christ.

I know that Jimmy’s had a personal trainer since he was in the 7th grade. I know that evil, rotten-cabbage-eating bloggers write bad things about Jimmy because he didn’t go to their school. And, of course, that’s because their school isn’t the glorious Notre Dame. I know about the prowess of Jimmy’s brothers. Of course, if I just took tonight as gospel, forsaking all other information, I wouldn’t know that Jimmy’s brother’s were both flops in college. I wouldn’t know that Jimmy’s brother Casey, just like Jimmy, was 1) a highly sought recruit, who 2) showed flashes as a freshman at Tennessee. Casey inevitably showed that he peaked rather early. I also even know about the real estate shopping habits of Casey’s father.

In fact, I began to see so much of Jimmy, without even seeing one shot of any Penn State player’s family that I began to wonder something. Do they even have families? Surely they must all be orphans. I mean, since the Booya Hype “network” feels the need to stuff Jimmy Clausen’s life down my throat over a collection of four yard completions. J.R. Redick was breaking NCAA career records in his senior year before the hype was as bad as it was tonight for Jimmy. ESPN even directly followed a Clausen interception with, “he’s special.” I don’t know how you watch an interception by anyone and the very next words out of your mouth are, “he’s special.”

I’ve chronicled my love-hate relationship with ESPN. I love sports. I hate that to watch sports, I often have to turn to ESPN… the SPAM of sports coverage. ESPN shouldn’t even show the score anymore. Just score the personalities, how much hype they think that those personalities can legitimately generate, and therefore how much money will flow to corporate sponsors as a result of that personality. That is what ESPN has become. They literally can’t miss an opportunity to try to turn just about anyone into a larger than life figure; so long as they think that said figure could move products (which is why you’ll never see much Tim Duncan hype). Tonight, they compared Jimmy Clausen, his barrage of five-yard completions, and his bevy of “Tom Emanski: How to get sacked like a statue who just got pummeled by Richard Dent” plays, to Lebron James, Tiger Woods and Sidney Crosby.

I’m afraid to take a shower tonight. If I look into the mirror, I might see Jimmy Clausen and his family. Jimmy Clausen and his family might come out of my shampoo bottle and try to shower with me.

Back to the original point… please stop the suffering of Penn State players. Sign up, leave a comment with your name in it, and agree to adopt a Penn State player. Maybe if we get 10,000 names, I might get to see Jordan Norwood’s family once for every 10,000 times I see Clausen’s fat brother Casey, or his parents… who make Jason Kidd’s son look like something other than an alien by comparison. I might get to know something about Dan Connor or Anthony Morelli, something other than… “Dan Connor… is playing against Jimmy Clausen! Oh my god! Jimmy Clausen! Jimmy Clausen, if he wanted to Mr. Blackledge… could literally throw this stadium two hundred yards under water. Jimmy Clausen’s dad was nicknamed ‘long dong Clausen’ in college. Oh my god, look! Jimmy Clausen just sneezed. It reminds me of the time Lebron dunked on three guys, but we all know that Lebron can’t drive a sneeze home quite like that.”

Please, sign this petition. In seriousness, if we get enough names, we might be able to hit talk radio and let the country know that Penn State players have families too.

Lesson learned: ESPN is going to require all of their employees to co-star with the Clausen family in the movie “Brokeback Clausen” – a tale of ESPN cameras and the only family that ever existed.