My hero, Adriana Lima

 

Before I start my smart-ass summary of the weekend, I would personally like to send my thoughts and sympathies to the Gator Nation for the loss of Michael Guilford, a walk-on red-shirt freshman DB.  I seriously hope the toxicology reports come back clean on this guy, Florida doesn’t need another black-eye.  

(Disclaimer:  because of my ass being on the Left Coast, the only SEC games I was able to watch were AU/Arkansas and UK/LSU.  The rest of my assessments are derived from my vast network of sources located throughout God’s Country.)

 

Barn/Champions of the FOIA – Arkansas people:  you don’t have a whole lot going for you.  Besides bringing us Wal-mart and JB Hunt, you really haven’t done shit.  I see the ads on television trying to bring tourism to Arkansas “The Natural State” by trying to sell me on the outdoor beauty of that place.  Do you know what doesn’t help your cause?  Throwing McDonald’s and Burger King trash out of your windows after you pass Auburn fans on I-40. Also, I do not think there is a fan base in the SEC that utilizes body paint more than the Razorbacks.  What was up with the Razorback Offense wanting their crowd to get louder during the one scoring drive for Arkansas?  What ever reason, I am sure it was because of some fault of mental midget Houston Nutt.  I am not sure if the credit behind Mr. Hei5man and Felix Jones being pwn3d belongs to Auburn DC Will Muscamp or Houston Nutt not realizing that Jonathan Wilhite is the Achilles’ heel of the Auburn D and then using the passing game to set up the running game.  Wilhite fucking sucks.  I can’t remember who put Wilhite as a 2^nd team pre-season All-SEC but that person is an idiot.  It was probably Phil Steele.  Phil on my nuts, Mr. Steele.  Wilhite couldn’t guard my grandmother in one-on-one coverage, but my grandmother does run a 4.4 and can bench a Tuscaloosa mansion.  One more thing… get rid of those assbags Mike Patrick and Todd Blackledge on ESPN and bring back Ron Franklin.  While not a Britney Spears-esque quote, Patrick mentioned something about Tony Romo during the Auburn/Arky game.  Motherfucker like I needed to hear anymore about the Boys/Pats game on Sunday.  Wrong fucking league asshole! 

  

Bammer/Ole Most – Ole Miss wuz robbed.  The rule about a player not being able to touch the ball after being out of bounds only prohibits that player from being the first player to touch the ball after he comes back into bounds.  The Bammer DB made the pick, then the Ole Miss wide out came back onto the playing surface to rip it from him.  If it was a pick, how could the Mascotless WR be the first guy to touch the ball?  The Bammer illuminati were in full force in Oxford this weekend.  Also, you stay classy Ole Miss student section.  Throwing shit onto the field kind of takes away from that whole, “we’re not snobs, we’re just better than you” image.  How about throwing a brick thru The 0’s window with the number to a moving company written on it?  What will happen if Ole Miss goes winless in the SEC this season?  The last time that happened was 1974 (and the coach of the ’74 Rebs, back when they had a mascot, did not lose his job.  No way that shit slides at any other SEC school, including Vandy).  If Ole Miss goes without a W in SEC play this year there is NO WAY Ole Miss homers can say Coach 0 is taking them in the right direction.  Will he be renamed Coach 0-8 after this season? 

 

Vawls/Bullpups – UT was almost another victim of Croom but pulled their collective heads out of their asses and beat a clearly less-talented MSU team.  State’s D line looked worse than it did versus LSU.  Was Ainge touched during the whole game?  And I stand by my statement made earlier in the season when I said Dixon could be the most under-rated RB in the conference.  He is going to grab Ole Miss by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of the Mascotless in a way that the inmates in Oz would think is harsh.  He ran without any regard for human life in last year’s Egg Bowl, and that’s when Ole Most had Rory Johnson and that Patrick Willis guy on the D side of the ball. 

 

SCAR/UNC – I was only able to watch parts of this game (thanks ABC) but there is no way anyone can tell me SCAR is a Top 10 team.  There have to be more than just three or four one-loss teams in the nation that are better than the Cocks.  They aren’t good.  I would not be surprised at all if Vandy beat that ass next weekend, with the possibility of the Cocks looking past the academic types and looking forward to UT the next week.  South Carolina is not good, but they are currently one of the guy’s in the driver’s seat in the SEC East.  This shit doesn’t make sense.  “I told you he could really go.  Yeah, click-clack!”

 

UGA/Vandy – UGA isn’t playing good either.  A supposed top-tier SEC team is not supposed to struggle with the school whose sole purpose of being in the SEC is to raise the collective GPA of the student-athletes and to win Women’s Bowling National Titles.  What scares me of UGA is their capability of waking up in the middle of the season and upsetting teams they shouldn’t (like Auburn last year).  It took losses to UK and Vandy for the Bulldogs to remember they were Georgia and close the season with impressive wins last season.  If I was Florida, Auburn, or UK (payback is a bitch), I would be worried that this come from behind win was UGA’s awakening.  

 

Cajuns/Border Trash – UK got their revenge from the Bluegrass Miracle of 2003.  I loved watching the fans storm the field this time and not have to turn around and ask WTF, over?  Neither LSU QB looked impressive.  I know Flynn’s vagina hurts or whatever, and he did make some good runs, but he did not look like the on field leader of a number one team in all the land.  The bad part about the outcome of this game was that now Ohio State is the BCS number 1, instead of a clearly superior team from a clearly superior conference in the SEC.  The good news is that the LSU loss now makes the East and West division races more interesting, with a ménage à trois (that’s real French you coonasses) for first place in the West and only a half a game separating the top three teams in the SEC East.  With Bammer’s bullshit win over Ole Most, Saban’s date with death against his former employer and Tubby taking his giant killers to the bayou, the SEC West will be decided in the next three weeks.  Many scenarios can arise from this, but my money is LSU dropping one of these two.  If LSU drops both, with Bammer and the Barn only dropping at most one league game each, the Iron Bowl (marked by my return to the land of real football) will be for a trip to the ATL, dawg.  What you know ‘bout that?