He attended Tennessee when Neyland Stadium still had splinters, the defense was entirely white and “the transfer portal” was where an unruly young man boarded a Greyhound after failing chemistry.
Nobody knows exactly what OldBullsGapVol did for a living. Some whispered that he had been an IT guru. Others breathlessly reported seeing him at construction sites throughout Louisville, Maryville, Knoxville and Alcoa, servicing portable sanitation to dirty, bearded laborers.
The two accounts were never reconciled. This only deepened his legend.
Retired engineer is the leading theory. Accountant remains possible. One poster claims he worked “around the athletic department,” although this may mean he once changed a tire or a porta-potty behind Stokely Athletic Center.
Whatever the profession, retirement has provided him with the two resources necessary for message-board immortality:
Time and Microsoft Excel.
While other fans watch games, OldBullsGapVol records them.
He maintains spreadsheets tracking Tennessee recruiting classes, coordinator tenures, third-down percentages, offensive-line starts, transfer destinations and the average weight of every defensive tackle signed since Doug Dickey wore a necktie on the sideline.
He also diligently studies the feet and hip fluidity of young athletes with an intensity that would concern people (like DHS) outside the recruiting industry.
His Excel workbook has 31 tabs.
Four tabs are color-coded.
One is labeled “Feet/Hips.”
Nobody has opened this file and returned the same person.
The latest quarterback debate brought him down from the mountain.
For three days, posters had argued whether George MacIntyre or Faizon Brandon should start. Practice was closed. No official statistics were available. Neither quarterback had been named QB1.
This created ideal conditions for certainty.
FaizonTime22 declared Brandon the obvious choice.
GMACVFL responded that MacIntyre had been “built for this moment.”
VolDad2001 said the decision would determine the next five years of Tennessee football, including two seasons in which neither quarterback is guaranteed to remain on the roster.
Then OldBullsGapVol appeared.
“I have reviewed some historical comparisons. There may be more going on here than most realize.”
The thread stopped breathing.
Nobody asked which historical comparisons.
Nobody asked what else might be going on.
The old bull had moved near his favorite watering hole.
Within minutes, his comment had been quoted into three other threads.
One poster interpreted it as confirmation that Brandon had won the job. Another believed it meant MacIntyre had quietly surged ahead. A third said it “lined up” with something his brother-in-law heard at Calhoun’s.
It lined up with everything because it contained nothing.
Pressed for clarification, OldBullsGapVol swiftly replied:
“Not comfortable saying more at this time.”
This elevated the comment from observation to intelligence.
A lesser poster would have been accused of attention-seeking. OldBullsGapVol had tenure, spreadsheets and memories predating conference integration.
He had seen things. He through the WARs.
He remembered Branndon Stewart and Peyton Manning. Brent Schaeffer and Erik Ainge. Jonathan Crompton waiting behind Erik Ainge. Nick Stephens, B.J. Coleman, Nathan Peterman, Riley Ferguson, Quinten Dormady, Jarrett Guarantano, Harrison Bailey, Hendon Hooker, Joe Milton and Nico Iamaleava.
He discussed them wistfully, like sons who had moved away after an argument over the family farm.
Some transferred.
Some waited.
Some became stars elsewhere.
Some became names Tennessee fans mention only when attempting to prove that the current quarterback situation is not yet the worst one in school history.
OldBullsGapVol had them all in a spreadsheet.
Columns included recruiting ranking, starts, completion percentage, transfer destination and something labeled “Vol Spirit,” graded from 1 to 7.
Nobody knew the formula.
Nobody questioned it.
When UTClassOf62 posted part of the spreadsheet, the board studied it like intercepted Soviet military planning.
I75Vol noticed that Brandon Stewart’s name was misspelled.
OldBullsGapVol replied:
“There are reasons for that.”
There were not.
But the correction received nine likes and three quotes.
The spreadsheet also included a category called “Board Confidence Before First Meaningful Snap.” MacIntyre scored a 6.2. Brandon received a 6.4. Peyton Manning was awarded a retrospective 7.0, although several posters insisted they had supported him from the beginning despite being eleven years old and living in Ohio at the time.
This rating system was based on no identifiable data, methodology or observable reality. It was numbers resting entirely on air, but they had decimal points, which made them analytics.
The chart settled nothing.
That was not its purpose.
Its purpose was to transform ordinary uncertainty into organized uncertainty.
This is the elder’s gift.
Anybody can say he does not know who will start.
OldBullsGapVol can create six worksheets demonstrating it.
Anybody can post a rumor.
He posts:
“I would caution everyone against assuming the public narrative reflects the internal timeline.”
That sentence could mean a quarterback has been selected.
It could mean no quarterback has been selected.
It could mean practice started fifteen minutes late.
The board received it as a coded message from the Kremlin.
By evening, posters were thanking him for his contributions.
One wrote:
“We are lucky to have you here, sir.”
Another added:
“People should listen when someone with this much Tennessee Football history posts here.”
Nobody could identify what he had actually said.
That was beside the point.
OldBullsGapVol is not revered because he has answers.
He is revered because he has survived long enough to make uncertainty look like wisdom.
He has watched Tennessee hire coaches, fire coaches, crown quarterbacks, destroy quarterbacks, welcome transfers, condemn transfers and rediscover the same argument under increasingly expensive terminology.
He knows every crisis eventually becomes a spreadsheet.
Eventually, Heupel will name a starter. One quarterback will win. The other may stay, transfer or spend the season one bad hit away from becoming the most important player on the roster.
When it happens, OldBullsGapVol will return to the thread.
He will not brag.
He will not say he predicted it.
He will simply write:
“This is generally consistent with what I was seeing.”
Everyone will remember that he knew.
Nobody will remember that he never told them anything.
The old bull will close the laptop, update Column N and slowly disappear into the message-board mist.
Until the next crisis.
He has seen the wars.
More importantly, he has them sorted by year.
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