UPDATE — Tennessee beat Furman 56–9, which left REDACTED with nothing but a disappointing 47-point win to dismantle. Once the offensive line had been tried, convicted and sentenced to Georgia Tech, the board turned its attention to what Tennessee might have had.
Lane Kiffin had just beaten Clemson.
Lane remains the hottest girl at the dance—the one everybody watches, nobody has the nerve to ask, and half the room loudly claims is ugly after she leaves with somebody else.
Now the REDACTED handles the rejection by lashing out at anything wearing LSU colors. Kim Mulkey. The roster. Women’s basketball. Foreign athletes. College tennis. Russia. Give these men three pages and they will punish an entire university because Lane looked happy dancing with Clemson’s scalp in his hand.
First, an apology.
There has been a lot of LSU BS around here lately. We would happily move on if LSU would. Instead, LSU keeps behaving like Russia with a compliance office: cross the line, step on its own dick, then act offended when somebody points out the obvious.
So here we are again. This time it’s LSU women’s basketball.
Kate Koval’s statement was serious. The Ukrainian forward said she left LSU after learning—days after the transfer portal closed—that the Tigers planned to add Russian player Anna Minaeva. Koval’s father serves in the Ukrainian military. The war is not a television argument in her house.
REDACTED opened with the measured diplomatic language for which Tennessee message boards are known:
“Mulkey is such a piece of crap.”
Clean. Direct. No sanctions package required.
The thread lasted three pages. Ukraine survived most of the first one.
HallsVol88 asked whether Koval had bothered to learn what the Russian player believed about the war. This was enough to wake LakeCityVol93, who has carried a grudge against Halls since an NIL thread in April and recognized fresh meat.
Mulkey created the problem, LakeCity argued. Koval got trapped after the portal closed. That ought to have settled it.
Instead, two men who agreed Mulkey had botched the entire thing began trying to cave in each other’s E-skulls over the small portion of the disaster they had not yet assigned.
LakeCityVol93 then gave us the first favorable connection between LSU football and the Russian Federation:
“Say what you want about Putin and Kiffin, but neither one has ever been scared of a boundary somebody else drew.”
Six likes.
Lane Kiffin had entered a women’s basketball discussion about Ukraine without ever leaving Baton Rouge. On this message board, that is less a derailment than a natural law.
College Tennis Is Sentenced Without Counsel
Then OldVolFan wandered into the thread and found the real victim: American children who might otherwise receive scholarships in non-revenue sports.
“Better idea. How about scholarships in non-revenue sports go to American kids.”
There went Ukraine.
A woman had left LSU because her father was serving in a war. Twelve replies later, four retirees were redistributing tennis scholarships from their recliners.
Somebody suggested American kids could play better tennis.
OldVolFan did not receive this as constructive feedback.
The fight spread to golf, swimming, track, state funding and a hypothetical boy from Maynardville whose forehand apparently represented the last clean hope of the Republic. One poster diagnosed another with “a huge reading disorder.”
Non-revenue appeared in bold.
The prosecution rested.
LSU Is Remembered Briefly
Every ten or twelve posts, somebody refocused back to LSU.
MoonshineMajors69 finally swept Mulkey, Will Wade and Kiffin into one sack:
“LSU is a cultural disaster. All the clowns under one big tent.”
That should have closed the thread.
Then the night shift logged on.
Around 1:40 a.m., the discussion reached casualty estimates, demographic collapse, Iran, Germany, the Middle East and the opening stages of World War III. Nobody had acquired additional information. They had simply stayed awake long enough to become intelligence analysts.
The thread began with one Ukrainian basketball player leaving LSU.
Three pages later, Tennessee had defunded tennis, Germany was back under review and Lane Kiffin had been appointed Vladimir Putin with a headset.
Kate Koval had a serious problem. Kim Mulkey had a roster problem.
REDACTED had foreign policy.
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