REDACTED has spent years deciding exactly what is wrong with Josh Heupel.

Recruiting, he sucks. Assistants, they suck and so does he. Clock management, his watch is broke. The occasional fourth down. Whether Tennessee should be winning more games than Tennessee is already winning.

All of these complaints are fair game.

Then somebody brought over a Florida State message board thread post SMU loss, discussing future coaching hires, and FSU fans committed the actual offense: they didn’t want Heupel enough.

Now we had a problem.

Zeusify wanted to know why Heupel would leave Tennessee for a “downgrade.”

Florida State. A downgrade. Bobby Bowden had been dead five years and was somehow taking another loss.

RustyVol reported that his FSU-graduate daughter-in-law thought Heupel was too passive to win big.

Easy, ma’am.

The REDACTED is allowed to call Heupel passive. REDACTED can question his recruiting, fire assistants electronically and spend an entire Sunday explaining why a 10-win coach is wasting Tennessee football.

That’s family business.

Florida State does not get a vote on Josh Fucking Heupel.

It’s the same rule that applies to your weird drunk uncle at Thanksgiving. You can call Randy a useless son of a bitch all afternoon. The neighbor says it once and suddenly everybody is defending Randy.

Then somebody noticed FSU fans weren’t exactly fighting over who got to drive the Heupel moving van.

That made it worse.

VolsForever901 wanted Tennessee to schedule Florida State and hang 50 on them.

Nobody had offered Heupel the job. Heupel hadn’t asked for it. Heupel may not have known this conversation existed. OldBullsGapVol and LWSVol say the UTAD is always monitoring the REDACTED, that is a story for another day. In 2007, LWS once said, “you gotta be careful what you post”, no one is sure what he was taliking about until now.

Didn’t matter.

Florida State had looked at Tennessee’s coach and failed to display the proper amount of lust.

Within a page or two of the Tennessee thread, FSU had become broke, the ACC had become a dying strip mall, and Tallahassee was apparently running football operations out of a bait shop.

This is one of REDACTED’s better qualities. They can spend Monday trying to fire your coach and Tuesday become deeply insulted that somebody else doesn’t want him.

The important thing is ownership.

Our coach can’t recruit. Our coach keeps assistants too long. Our coach should win more. And if our coach ever leaves, we’ll decide whether that was abandonment or good riddance after we see who replaces him.

Florida State’s role is simpler.

Admire him. Covet him. Understand that you can’t have him.

REDACTED has carried grudges longer than some marriages. There are people still available to testify about Manning and Brandon Stewart, Fulmer’s firing and which screen name wanted which coordinator gone in 2012.

This one will keep.

Florida State didn’t steal Josh Heupel.

They did something worse.

They weren’t interested enough.

Josh Heupel is ours.

You can’t have him.

And fuck you for not wanting him.