There are bad halves of football.

Then there are halves where the message board starts discussing broken collarbones, busted screen doors, dick dancing and whether the head coach is a coward.

Welcome to halftime.

The pregame gauge had already reached OH SHIT when Brent Hubbs was reduced to begging grown men to discuss football.

He may want to reconsider that request.

Because once they actually started discussing football, things got considerably worse.

TENNESSEE OH-SHIT HALFTIME GAUGE

CALM — TEXAS IS ASS

For a brief moment, this was comforting.

Then somebody finished the thought:

“Texas is ass. We are worse.”

There went calm.

CONCERNED — BUSTED SCREEN DOOR

The offensive line has now been evaluated.

Not porous. Not struggling.

A busted screen door.

Technically still attached to the house. Functionally not stopping anybody.

NERVOUS — FULL FACE BLACK

The Vols came out looking like they were there to collect a debt.

The board’s review:

“Full face black has to be badass… we are not.”

Uniform: intimidating.

Performance: presently under review.

HOT — BROKEN COLLARBONE

The board’s medical department is now open.

No imaging. No examination. No problem.

Diagnosis: broken collarbone.

VERY HOT — DICK DANCING

Texas managed to draw a penalty in a manner the board immediately identified as “dick dancing.”

There are probably several technically correct descriptions of what happened.

None of them are better than that.

DICK DANCING.

Penalty Texas.

Message board terminology: undefeated.

OH SHIT — HEUPEL IS A COWARD

And there is your halftime redline.

We have progressed from Texas sucks to our offensive line is a household fixture to the uniforms have more fight than we do to amateur orthopedic surgery to dick dancing and finally:

“Heupel is a coward.”

Needle: buried.

Halftime intelligence report

There isn’t much ambiguity left.

The “hope I am wrong” battalion has been activated.

The people who thought Texas was overrated now have a considerably more troubling question: what does that make us?

The coaching staff is being tried in absentia.

Household fixtures are apparently endangered.

Possible orthopedic injuries are being diagnosed remotely.

And somewhere in all of this, a football game continues to insist on happening.

Which leaves us with the most devastating analysis of the first half:

Texas is ass. We are worse.

There are thirty minutes of football left.

The message board may not have that long.