“Gator Reefer Madness”: While there have been studies showing that marijuana can help Gator Football Players fight through an upper-tier SEC double-team, Gator marijuana is essentially a palliative drug. However, if the effects of marijuana can help a Defensive Tackle shed a block, then its working.

Earlier this year, Urban “Herban” Meyer was asked to speak to Congress about the state of the BCS, but the coach couldn’t make time to attend. Now this American legend is making time in his busy recruiting schedule for a different issue, his desire for the legalization of Marijuana.

> Meyer: “They wanted my opinion first of all because I am important and second because I had to suspend players for getting high. Suspensions could have really hurt us bad, why do you think we lost to Auburn? My dopers were out of shape from being suspended. Not because Leak fumbled.”

>Meyer: “This legislation is vital to the success of my program, our recruits need to know that they can actively participate in  reefer parties without retribution.”

> Meyer: “Maybe I should go do those kinds of things because I think it’s important when someone wants our opinion. You don’t get asked your opinion very often and I look back at that and I probably should’ve done that. But once again, my job is to recruit, marijuana will help us in recruiting. ”

[Transcripts of House Hearings on the Herban Meyer Marijuana Act Day One, after the jump]

CHAIRMAN: The Committee will come to order. The meeting this morning has been called for the purpose of considering a bill to legalize certain dealers in marijuana, and to safeguard the BCS Championship aspirations of the Florida Gators there from by registry and recording. (Chairman holds up report, hands over to page, committee shuffles around)

CHAIRMAN: This bill was introduced by me at the request of the University of Florida Head Football Coach Urban “Herban” Meyer and Athletic Director Jeremy “Rainman” Foley. Coach Meyer will be the first witness to be heard in behalf of the proposed legislation.

Meyer: Mr. Chairman and members of the Ways and Means Committee, for the past two years the Gatorade Scientists in Gainesville has been making a study of the subject of marijuana, a drug which is found in the flowering tops, seeds, and leaves of Indian hemp and is now being used extensively by Florida Gator College Football Players in cigarettes or Pipes.

As a sidebar, I must confess, that contrary to popular belief, Gatorade was invented by The Florida State University [Florida Steals].

As my players continue to test positive for this drug I am forced to suspend various key starting personnel. Please keep in mind that these suspensions could hurt my coaching career. These senseless and useless marijuana suspensions almost adversely impacted our team’s championship aspirations last season. These suspensions also deny these courageous football players the opportunity to earn a day’s wages at their jobs. The second order of effect is these suspensions decrement the standards of living that these heroic players’ girlfriends and their many children have grown accustom.

Additional expert witnesses that we also have with us are a pharmacologist who is prepared to testify as to the effect of the drug on Gator Football Players. We also have an expert Mathematician, who is the personal tutor to both Chris Leak (8 on the Wonderlic) and Tim Tebow (890 SAT!!!) and largely responsible for both of these players academic/intellectual successes.

He is prepared to testify with reference to the complicated algorithm that I was, “forced” (Meyer uses his fingers to make air quotes) to use to in scheduling suspensions of my star players. I had to forecast which players to use against more serious opponents as opposed to cupcake teams. As a coaching technique, I do not like using food or “munchie” references in front of my players, many of whom are here today to discuss the impact of marijuana on their lives.

The leading newspapers in the State of Florida have recognized the seriousness of these suspensions and many of them have advocated Federal legislation to legalize and control the traffic in marijuana. In fact, several Websites have advocated such legislation. In a recent editorial, the Every Day Should Be Saturday website stated: “The marijuana cigarette is one of the most insidious of all forms of dope largely because it creates senseless and needless player suspensions and has a negative impact on team chemistry.”

Here is a photo from our loss to Auburn. This was the game that Marcus Thomas returned to me after his 3rd failed urinalysis.

Words fail me as I see this picture, shit..sorry…Leak’s eyes are closed as he flinches and backpedals….

Mr. Chairman, the Gator Nation is almost defenseless against it, having no Federal laws to cope with it and virtually no organized campaign for combating it. The result is tragic. My first team defense is the prey of peddlers who infest Gainesville neighborhoods. Gator Athletes buy the destructive weed without knowledge of its capacity for harm via suspensions, and conscienceless dealers sell it with impunity. This is a national problem and it must have national attention.

In closing Mr. Chairman, we, the mighty Gator Nation, must have this drug legalized. I can tell you from second experience that a dope-smoking Gator is a Happy Gator.

I would like to show you an example of a ‘Happy Gator’. Jarvis Moss, who under the influence of marijuana, was able to increase his vertical leap a good 18″, as you will see in the following video: Moss rises to the occasion.

CHAIRMAN: Thanks Coach Meyer, we are adjourned for the day.