Before the annual Third Saturday in October, But Sometimes They Play on the Fourth Saturday of the Same Month Game, I listed several reasons to hate Tennessee. Now that the Iron Bowl has rolled around, it’s time to give examples why Auburn sucks. Remember, these are in no particular order.
1. Global warming.
It’s a well known scientific fact that methane gas emitted from bovines is the main reasons our glaciers are melting at such a rate that soon our entire civilization will become extinct. Damn you Aubies!
2. Click Clack.
3. The Jungle.
Not long after Florida dubbed their stadium the Swamp, Auburn came right behind them and started calling Jordan-Hare The Jungle. Not only that, but they pump in Guns N Roses. Now that, my friends, is Tradition.
4. Tiger Walk.
Speaking of stealing ideas, Barners will tell anybody who’ll listen that they invented the “Insert Team Mascot Here” Walk, and that any team that uses any rendition of this parade of players stole the concept from Auburn. ‘Tis true. Before Auburn unveiled the Tiger Walk, some teams were forced to parachute their players into the stadium. Some used catapults, and others teams just decided to play their games in the parking lots outside the stadiums. Of course this resulted in many player injuries and fatalities.
5. Tubby’s hypnotic ears.
6. Mark May.
Once upon a time May was a bright, articulate up and comer at ESPN. He was a top notch college football analyst. That is, until that fateful Saturday a few years ago. So what happened to Mark on that day that made him turn into a complete idiot unable to grasp basic concepts of football and the English language? Mark merely stated what thousands of others around the country already thought, that Auburn was in Georgia. What’s that you say? You thought Auburn was in Georgia also? Well good thing for you that you’re not a relatively famous TV personality. The Auburn faithful piled his mailbox and email with hate mail and death threats. He was burned in effigy on campus. A four wheel drive pick-up with a gun rack drove his Nissan Maxima off the road one morning. All this changed May forever. And we see the end result every Saturday. Thanks again, Aubies.
7. Sidewalk alumni.
Or lack thereof if you talk to Auburn fans. According to these warped individuals, only those fortunate enough to attend or graduate from Auburn are fans of the athletic teams of the school. So let me get this straight, the fact that your school is so repulsive that the general public in, overwhelmingly large numbers, choose not to root for your team is a good thing? This makes me laugh everytime I meet some white trash individual wearing an Auburn hat.
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