But I have never seen shit flow uphill like Alabama moving up the AP poll after Tennessee beat their ass.
BlueCollarVol
Nine years ago, Tennessee fans rejected Greg Schiano. The national sports media explained that the hillbillies didn’t know what was best for their own football program. The hillbillies told them to kiss their ass. The media has apparently been collecting interest ever since.
Tennessee beat the brakes off Alabama, 26–10, on national television. Then came a three-point loss to perennial SEC doormat South Carolina, with former Alabama quarterback David “Bama” Smith wearing the referee’s shirt. The next AP poll moved Alabama up three places and dropped Tennessee five. Thank you, David. Mission accomplished.
Then came the November 1 poll: Kentucky No. 8 (up one), Alabama No. 9 (up one), Tennessee No. 16 (unchanged). All three had bye weeks. South Carolina even reached No. 23. Alabama and Tennessee were both 6–2, but Tennessee’s sixteen-point head-to-head victory somehow left the Vols seven spots behind. That takes talent, coincidence and balls.
Official AP poll: November 1 AP Top 25 rankings
On X, @TannerJThomas offered: “Half the people that vote on it don’t watch the games.” @procto089 went straight to the financials: “Money and vegas.” The Generals Quarters supplied the missing word: Bama.
The Generals Quarters took those observations as a call to arms. PinhotiVol had prepared a battlefield address from his driveway. He had not checked whether any troops were coming.
PINHOTI’S LAST STAND
PinhotiVol — Rock Springs, GA
“Men…
At Thermopylae, 300 Spartans stood against the Persian Empire. At the Alamo, 189 Texans faced Santa Anna. And today, 70 Associated Press voters, ESPN, Greg Schiano, and an SEC referee named David Smith have joined forces to keep Tennessee out of the top ten.
I’m not asking anybody to march on Birmingham. I’m not asking you to leave your families or abandon your obligations. I’ve got a wife, two grown daughters, a John Deere with a bad starter, and a colonoscopy scheduled for Thursday morning at 8:15.
I understand sacrifice.
But I will not stand here in my own driveway, wearing a $68 Tennessee polo I bought at Alumni Hall, and listen to some son of a bitch in a quarter-zip explain why Alabama deserves to be ranked ahead of a team that beat them by sixteen goddamn points.
I don’t need medals. I don’t need recognition. I don’t even need the AP to apologize for Schiano Sunday. I do want an apology from David Smith.
What I need is for one of you men to explain how David Smith can oversee the South Carolina game and Alabama ends up seven spots ahead of us like they just stormed Normandy.
My wife has already printed the ballots. I’ve got them organized in a three-ring binder beside the garage refrigerator. We know who voted. We know where they work.
We’re not going to their houses. We’re not bothering their families.
We’re going to write strongly worded emails.
Every last one of them.
Now, hold the line, men.
And somebody tell Old Coach to quit replying-all. He’s sent the entire distribution list seventeen pictures of his damn television.”
Old Coach was still replying-all when BlueCollarVol weighed in from Kimball. Pinhoti saw a battlefield. BlueCollar saw a drainage problem.
BlueCollarVol — Kimball, TN
“I been plumbing houses for thirty-one years. I’ve crawled under single-wides with six inches of standing sewage, pulled a dead possum out of a septic tank, and once watched a grown man try to unclog a toilet with a leaf blower.
But I have never seen shit flow uphill like Alabama moving up the AP poll after Tennessee beat their ass.
Somebody better check the vent pipe in Birmingham.”
By sundown, the Generals Quarters had assembled its case. Schiano Sunday supplied the motive, Bama David Smith the field-work theory, and the AP supplied the rankings. Pinhoti had a binder. BlueCollar wanted Birmingham’s vent pipe inspected. Old Coach had apparently moved on to a video of his television.
Evidence of an actual conspiracy? Not a shred.
Naturally, that only strengthened the case.
Schiano knows.
And David Smith has apparently been handling the paperwork.
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