9:00- Wake up and groggily roll out of bed. Notices the pillow looks eerily like a marshmallow…takes a gigantic bite. Pillow doesn’t taste like a marshmallow.
9:01- Finishes off the rest of the pillow and takes a wicked piss that splashes all over the seat and floor since he can’t see his cock because of his gut.
9:03- Checks out his physique in the mirror…flexes and screams “Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!!”
9:05- Hawks down half a dozen donuts in the shower while bumping some Rich Boy.
9:07- Screams “Throw some D’s on that bitch!!”
9:15- Has full breakfast of 24 pancakes, 6 scrambled eggs, and 1 pound of bacon.
9:24- Takes a massive 2 alarm shit
9:32- Finds a candy bar wrapper in the trash can…licks off remaining chocolate
9:38- Falls asleep on the toilet
10:01- Attempts to go to the gym but fails to get in the car because the ice cream man drives by.
10:05- Calls running back coach and tells him how hard he works out…quietly slurps down two double scoop chocolate chunks.
10:28- Hops in Uses ladder to climb in Expedition and floors it onto I-65 cutting off 3 people (gives them all the finger) blaring “I Was Raised in the Projects” by Project Pat
10:37- Stops at McDonald’s for a snack. Cusses out the Drive-Thru attendant because they are no longer serving breakfast. Orders 4 Double-Quarter Pounders and a Diet Coke
10:44- Pulls in front of Davidson County Corrections and heads inside to bail out Pac-Man.
11:02- Arrives at Titans’ Practice Facility. Has parking attendant pull his Rascal out of the back of the Expedition
11:13- Waddles into the locker room. Yanks the hell out of Reynaldo Hill’s dreadlocks and shoves him into a locker.
11:24- His daily order of two porterhouse steaks from Demos’ arrives. Challenges Kevin Mawae to a eating contest.
11:32- Finishes off the steaks and takes a shit in Reynaldo Hill’s helmet.
11:37- Tells Ben Troupe that if Lendale started all 16 games last season his numbers would have been 2600 yards rushing, 32 TDs, 2 catches, 23 heart attacks.
11:44- Threatens to sit on Jeff Fisher’s face if he doesn’t get 30 touches a game.
12:06- Waddles out to practice and refuses to stretch…stretching if for pussies.
12:17- Helps pull the bullet out of Cortland Finnegan’s leg after Pac-man shoots him for stepping on his cleat.
12:26- Gets his first carry of practice for a 3 yard gain. Screams at Ahmad Hall “Lendale woulda been ::weez:: fucking gone if you could ::weez:: fucking block!!!” Heads over to the sideline for some oxygen.
12:35- Starts to yell “I’da been gone” at Vince after he scrambles for 34 yards but Lendale stops himself. No one fucks with Vince.
1:01- Leaves practice after his 3rd heart attack. Practice is for pussies anyway.
1:03- Waddles back into locker room. Grabs a couple of Snickers from the back of his locker.
1:07- Takes a piss in Reynaldo Hill’s locker.
1:15- Sees David Givens in the training room rehabing his knee. Calls Givens a fag and tells him rehab is for pussies.
1:37- Drives his Rascal back out to his Expedition and heads back to the crib. Stops a Whitt’s on the way back and picks up a slab of ribs with extra slaw.
1:55- Arrives home sucking down the remaining bbq and slaw. Tries unsuccessfully to eat a bone. Rips a hair curling fart
2:26- Pulls some leftover pizza and a coke out of the fridge and shovels it down. Lays down on the couch naked just in time for NFL Live.
3:32- Falls asleep during Rome is Burning. Dreams of swimming in an ocean of BBQ sauce.
4:44- Wakes up to take a shit. Falls asleep on the toilet
5:07- Eats a bag of Doritos. Calls Reggie Bush and cusses him out for blowing the National Title in the Rose Bowl.
5:36- Eats half a dozen cupcakes. Calls Matt Leinart and tells him he throws like a pussy fairy-boy.
5:58- Walks outside naked and climbs over crashes through his neighbors fence and jumps in their pool.
6:06- Stands on the edge and pisses in the water. Asks his neighbor’s wife if she wants some of his “anaconda”.
6:23- Waddles back home. Calls Pac-Man to see what the plans for the night are. Passes on the liquor store robbery.
6:40- Hops on the treadmill for his evening workout. Runs 2 minutes at 5 miles an hour.
6:43- Calls running back coach and brags on his killer evening workout.
6:54- Takes a shower. Has a member of his posse hold up his gut so he can scrub his balls.
7:34- Heads over to the Chinese Kitchen for the all-you-can-eat buffet.
8:12- Downs his 6th plate of General Tso’s chicken and sweet and sour pork. When a child walks up and asks for his autograph, Lendale pours sweet and sour sauce on the kid and eats half his arm.
8:41- Heads out to the parking lot. Hears gunshots and police sirens. Looks around for Pac-man.
8:53- Pulls on I-65 and heads to his bitches house. Cuts of 4 old women. Gives them all the finger.
9:02- Gets hungry on the way. Stops at Wendy’s. Orders 7 bacon cheeseburgers and a medium fry.
9:27- Arrives at his bitches house. Has a member of his posse hold up his gut and feed him Fruit Loops while she blows him.
9:34- Gets a call from Brandon Jones about a party. Tells his bitch to finish up cause he’s got places to go.
9:44- Gets in the Expedition to head over to the party. Stops at Taco Bell for 16 steak soft tacos.
10:20- Arrives at the party. Throws Reynaldo Hill on the ground and pisses on his face. Heads over to the free food.
12:25- Pac-man walks in and shoots someone for bumping into him. The party pretty much ends after that.
12:53- Heads home. Stops at KFC for a midnight snack.
1:12- Wakes up the entire neighborhood with his car stereo and whistle tips. Hangs out the window screaming “Woo WOOOOOOOO!!!”
1:14- Takes a shit on the neighbor’s lawn and walks into the house.
1:23- Strips naked and flexes in front of the mirror screaming “Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!!!”
1:34- Picks up the bucket of chicken, settles on the couch, and orders some porn.
1:51- Lendale passes out.
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