In preparation for the pending college football season (100 days away), here is some sage and timely advice on surviving a college football message board ass whipping or “e-combat”.

You got your ass viciously beaten by some trolling thug on the Internet.

The most important thing to remember is this: it’s not your fault. No one deserves to get an Internet ass-beating, no matter how stupid their argument was.

[Ass kicking]

Here is how we survive brutal e-bitch slaps on college football message boards:

1. Identify who the “cool” posters are.
2. Identify the people they hate
3. Identify the one person whose actions are more blatantly stupid and more unforgivable than anyone else, according to the posters in step #1.
4. Make the same joke everyone’s been making for nearly ten years.
5. Grow some balls or buy them on eBay.
6. You are now cool.