As a new contributor, my first task for LWS was traveling across the country to interview college football fans from the BCS Conferences and Notre Dame. It might seem like a gargantuan task, and it was, but very rewarding too. The names have been changed to protect the identities of the fans who spoke to me with complete confidentiality.

Jimmy, ACC Fan: “Basketball conference? We’re not a basketball conference, OK. Why would you even say something like that? Just wait, you just wait until this year!” (wipes away tears)

He spent the entire time asking me what the Big East fan said about the ACC, trying to convince me Wake Forest was a burgeoning powerhouse and listing SEC academic violations and arrests. He had a notebook and everything. It was an impressive presentation. But if I have to hear about Bobby Bowden’s win record one more time, I’ll stop caring about ACC football. Oh wait, I did that 2 years ago like everyone else.

Chaz, Pac-10 fan: “Just look at the offense, stupid! Everyone knows offense wins championships. East Coast bias! East Coast bias!”

I almost felt a little bad for Chaz. He accused every other conference of padding their schedules, playing boring football, not staying up late enough and being envious of the Pac-10’s skillz (he told me to use “skillz” quite specifically). But, when I questioned him about the conferences’ yearly Holiday Bowl collapse, much like the Pac-10, he had no defense. What a whiner!

Carl, Big 12 fan: “How much you wanna bet I could throw a football over them mountains?”

That’s almost all Carl said the entire time. I guess he just watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time. He thought it was the funniest thing in the world but I found him random and uninteresting, despite the flash of occasional promise. Then he muttered something about Vince Young, jumped on a horse and rode off into the sunset.

Patrick, Notre Dame fan: “We’re like the Pope, when he was King of the Roman Empire, you know, everyone wants to knock us off our throne.”

My first question was about how he enjoyed his time as a student at Notre Dame. He talked about how cool it was to study, go to class, practice with the team, then work at the stadium and paint football helmets. He went into a monologue about how he was the smallest guy on the team and his brother never believed in him until got in for a few plays as a Senior. When I accused him of just rehashing the plot to “Rudy,” he broke down and admitted he never went to school there. He started liking Notre Dame because they were on TV a lot and his 6 unit load at the local community college allowed him a lot of spare time on weekends.

Luke, Big 10 fan: “See, we’re called the Big 10, but on the logo it makes an 11. For 11 teams. Get it?”

I don’t even remember much about our conversation. After using nearly every football cliche stretching back to “3 yards and a cloud of dust” in the span of 10 minutes, I dozed off. When I woke up, he inexplicably disappeared before the most important part of the interview. Probably off binge drinking and eating bratwurst somewhere.

Vinnie and Billy Jack, Big East fans: “Ay, get outta face you hillbilly!” and “Shut your talk-hole, greaseball!”

That was the gist of our conversation. Anytime someone showed the promise to move into the interview, their counterpart managed to pull them back into meaningless bickering and obscurity. The only thing they agreed on was that they needed more respect.

Slim, SEC fan: “See, son, if you put a collection of all the best players from BCS Conferences in the SEC they’d still lose 3-4 games, easy.”

Apparently Georgia is going to return to prominence on the arm of Matthew Stafford, the nation’s third best QB. Although Slim pretended to have trouble understanding spooning another man at a Nascar event, his eyes screamed of lost innocence in the infield and the comforting familiarity of another man’s touch. He also described the Annual Post Spring Game Hootenany that doubles as the World’s Largest Outdoor Instance of Guys Being Named Ashley. He ended our chat by unmercifully beating the tar out of a scrawny dwarf named Troy for no apparent reason and the gloating about his strength.