[written by Jon Koncak, Photoshops by Ty]
Speaking of rankings……
If Athlon was in the celebrity death pool ranking business, Lindsay Lohan would have to be the #1 sleeper pick, no pun intended, for 2007-2008. This past Sunday, Lohan checked herself back into rehab following her arrest for suspicion of DWI from crashing her benz on Sunset Blvd early Saturday morning. Dern, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say we’d soon hear that Lohan will be signing her letter of intent to play football Americano for the University of Florida Gators, but her 40 time sucks and she can’t bench press 225 more than 10 reps.
The BHPD found some cocaine in her crashed Benz as well (there’s a gator helmet
sticker!). It’s reported that they also found missing ex-Gator Doug Johnson in the trunk, Joakim Noah’s sports bra (he’s a girl), and a dime bag of pot or “the Meyer” as they call it in Beverly Hills and Gainesville, Florida. Have no fear; Lohan’s dad is saying that all she needs is to do is “let God in her life”.
Now being a full blown Christian myself, I agree that seeking and accepting God is only path to happiness, but the problem is that “god” is in her life as she sees it and “god” is 15 jagerbombs followed with 3 lines of powdered goodness. She’s been given plenty of chances, but she’s about out of her 99 Contra lives (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, select, start, pathetic that I remember). Little does her dad know that this gatorian behavior is leading to god, sort of.
If she continues down this path and makes the thug pilgrimage to Gainesville, she will meet Prophet Meyer and the second coming of God in human form, Tim Tebow. Under Tebow’s tutelage, Lohan will see the error in her ways and will straighten her life out. I know, I know; what if she dies before she makes it Gainesville? Well, there’s a chance she could make it to purgatory and the dimension hopper Tim Tebow could save her soul there. No worries, if you are meant to meet Tebow, in life or in death, he’ll find you…… He’ll……. Find…….. You……
Tim Tebow effigies everywhere are crying tears of blood right now. If Lohan exits 
rehab in a pair of mid-thigh length jorts, solid white reebok cross training shoes, and pushed down tube socks, then you’ll know she’s found Tebow. Let us rejoice. Oh, and you’ll also know that she made the trip to Gainesville and she more than likely got Tebow hooked on cocaine and gnawing on rubber cement brushes.
Leave a Reply