ELIZABETHTON, TN

Kimberly Witten, 48, mother of former University of Tennessee and current Dallas Cowboys all-pro tight end Jason Witten, was arrested on 25 counts of forgery after withdrawing a total of 5500 dollars from another woman’s bank account. But more importantly, her dreams of ever being in a Campbell’s Chunky Soup commercial were forever washed down the drain.

Reached by phone, Wilma McNabb, Donovan’s mother and longtime spokesperson for Campbell’s, said, “Thank the good Lord that crazy you-know-what got arrested. I got me some real job security now. Just look at that skanky mug shot! I bet I could totally smoke her butt in the 40. You gotta have a good 40 time if you’re sellin’ soup; it’s in the contract. Besides, I’m prettier. Check out my new nails!”

Both Jason, who was primarily raised by his grandparents, as well as spokesmen for Campbell’s declined comment. Witten’s agent, Jimmy Sexton, when reached by phone, expressed his gratitude to media outlets everywhere for not spelling his client’s last name as W-H-i-t-t-e-n.