A mere two years ago, mega-conference expansion decimated the Big East and filled ACC coffers with football talent, prestige, and money. Schools that were once in the middle tier of the BE or the top tier of the C-USA now fancy themselves big dogs after the defection of true powerhouse programs like Miami, Virginia Tech and… Boston College (well, they had to make it a round number, after all).
They claim they’re glad the bitches done left, but I’m sure we all remember that fateful night when Virginia Tech, Rutgers, Pittsburgh, and West Virginia ran down the street shouting “Come back! We can’t live without you!”, drunk, naked, and waving a subpoena. Once VTech got a look at the ACC’s gams, they threw in with the hussy and the once-thriving BE marriage was over.
So, whither the remaining 14? (Fourteen? Jesus H. Thank god only eight of them play football – seven if you don’t count Pitt.) There still might be some goodies available for them. Here are the remaining ACC bids available to the eight Big East football schools:
Cincinnati – This up-and-coming computer consulting firm calls Boca Raton home. They could use some Bearcat magic as they attempt to provide top-flight computing services for clients like Virtual Fusion, Whinston the Webzine, and the Gary Wallin Orchestra. The initial offer tendered includes a free redesign of those hideous uniforms, though they were quite taken with the traditional Bearcat “paw” logo.
UConn – This Community College from Alvin, Texas is looking for a few good men to help jumpstart their athletic program. We believe that UConn, under the leadership of Jimmy McClam, will soon challenge the likes of East Bumfuck Technical for league dominance if they accept this offer. As an added bonus, there are smaller class sizes and a remedial reading lab.
Pittsburgh – Bloody too right, Wanny! That’s a right wicked googly! Cricketers may indeed fear the ‘stache, so this is a win-win for both sides.
Cricket’s rule allowing only eleven men on the field at a time could cause a mathematical crisis in the Panther ranks, however. It is believed that a calculator and math tutor must be included in the ACC’s offer, or else Pitt will hold out for a better deal from the Big Ten “erotic enhancement” company.
Louisville/USF – The flyer for the ACC says “all are welcome”, so let’s take that to the bank. Louisville has a pretty decent football profile, even though basketball coach Rick Pitino gets paid nearly three times as much as the entire football staff, including players *rimshot*. With roundball season just around the corner, the football Cardinals will not likely be missed much. In order to get Louvul, the ACC will have to accept South Florida as a throw-in, however, which could stymie the deal.
Rutgers – The Scarlet Knights showed some mountain-climbing potential last season, as they climbed almost to the pinnacle of the Big Least before a late stumble caused them to finish second.
A rollicking Texas Bowl triumph over moribund Kansas State showed they could recover, however, so a few seasons with the Great White North branch of the ACC should make them more sure-footed. Must learn words to “O Canada”.
Syracuse – Few college football viewers remember that Syracuse was originally the top choice to join the Atlantic Coasters. Their steadfast denial of involvement may have saved them from the lawsuit, but it also allowed the Hokies to grease up and slide into their spot. They’ll never see another chance like that again, so we’re sending them back to kiddie school with the Armadillo Cowboy Club. Maybe they’ll be able to lasso a spot in the America East some year.
West Virginia – The Mountaineers are the number one choice of the ACC. They spend much of their lives in the dark underbelly of a mountain, eating raw fish and only coming out when an LWS post mentions their football prowess in a less-than-flattering light. One bonus – trained bats will be allowed to ferry plays to the huddle from the sidelines. Score.
Can the Big East survive? Who cares? Only time will tell.
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