(HT Bama_Nole) The Harvin writeup is priceless and probably more true than we will ever know. The Derrick Harvey is gold too.

QB

Tim Teabag
Height: 6-foot-3
Weight: 229 pounds
Hometown: St. Augustine, FL

Teabag takes over at quarterback, replacing four-year starter and Magna Cum Laude special ed student Chris Leak. Teabag is a well-rounded quarterback who possesses the speed of a fullback, the arm of a shot-putter and the brains of a squirrel. Timmy is a Leo who enjoys coloring books and long walks on the beach with head coach Urban Meyer.

RB

Anonymous
Height: 5-foot-9 or 10
Weight: about 190 pounds or so
Hometown: Hawgtown, these days

Really doesn’t matter. Someone will start, then be unceremoniously yanked and replaced by someone equally inept. In the end, Percy Harvin and Teabag will carry the ball 90% of the time.

WR

Andre Caldwell
Height: 6-foot-1
Weight: 200 pounds
Hometown: Tampa, FL

Known affectionately to his teammates as “Bubba” (“Just like one o’ them redneck boys. Can you believe that?”), he is widely known to fans as “the one that wasn’t good enough to jump to the NFL.” According to his brother, Reche, “He’s no Reche.” (Ryan Karl’s helmet knows Bubba’s femur)

WR

Louis Murphy
Height: 6-foot-3
Weight: 190 pounds
Hometown: St. Petersburg, FL

Yeah, we’ve never heard of him either.

WR

Percy Harvin
Height: 5-foot-11
Weight: 178 pounds
Hometown: Virginia Beach, VA

The talent. If anything happens to this kid, the Gators couldn’t find the endzone with three roadmaps, an advanced GPS system and a full search party. Folks all over hawgtown are pouring into churches in droves, praying for the health of Harvin’s bones, muscles and joints. Alachua County State Attorney Cervone has purchased two new document shredders “just in case.”

TE

Cornelius Ingram
Height: 6-foot-4
Weight: 225 pounds
Hometown: Hawthorne, FL

The former quarterback recruit recently received a note on University of Illinois Athletics Department stationary that read, “Just kidding.”

OL

Jason Watkins
Height: 6-foot-6
Weight: 160 pounds
Hometown: Lakeland, FL

This is what stands between Teabag and large, angry men looking to visit harm upon him. Let us pray…

OL

Maurkice Pouncey
Height: 6-foot-4
Weight: 311 pounds
Hometown: Lakeland, FL

Hey hey hey! “Timmy, I’ll protect your back. You have my word. And I think you know how much my word is worth.”

OL

Jim Tart
Height: 6-foot-3
Weight: 305 pounds
Hometown: Sopchoppy, FL

That hometown: we’re not makin’ that up. According to head coach Urban Meyer, “I like the way he talks and he likes the way I talk.” Tart enjoys biscuits and mustard, mm-hmm.

OL

Carlton Medder
Height: 6-foot-5
Weight: 320 pounds
Hometown: Clermont, FL

Medder still can’t believe it’s not butter.

OL

Drew Miller
Height: 6-foot-5
Weight: 292 pounds
Hometown: Sarasota, FL

According to head coach Urban Meyer, “He’s large.” Once ate a box of chocolates and opined, “That, Forrest Gump is full of shit.”

Kicker

Chris Hetland
Height: 6-foot-0
Weight: 184 pounds
Hometown: Leesburg, GA

No, he’s not 13.

DE

Jermaine Cunningham
Height: 6-foot-4
Weight: 212 pounds
Hometown: Stone Mountain, GA

Says head coach Urban Meyer of Cunningham, “Who?”

DE

Derrick Harvey
Height: 6-foot-4
Weight: 260 pounds
Class Year: Jr
Experience: 2V
Hometown: Greenbelt, MD

Never before has any player ever garnered as much hype from one performance than Harvey for his performance in the Fiesta Bowl. Says head coach Urban Meyer, “If I’d known he could play like that, maybe I’d have actually suspended Moss per team policy for failing drug tests.”

DT

Clint McMillan
Height: 6-foot-1
Weight: 282 pounds
Hometown: Oviedo, FL

Start sucking up to him now. By this time next year, he’ll be the man to see for a great deal on a used car.

DT

Height: 6-foot-1
Weight: 280 pounds
Hometown: Miami, FL

We know what you’re thinking: Two defensive tackles at 6’1″? Yeah, we’re thinking the same thing. But, hey, 6’1″ wasn’t a bad height when we were hyping him as the linebacker of the future.

LB

John Jones
Height: 6-foot-3
Weight: 205 pounds
Hometown: Sarasota, FL

There’s a reason no photo is available.

LB

Dustin “Dusty Rhodes” Doe
Height: 6-foot-2
Weight: 206 pounds
Hometown: Jasper, FL

At least he gets a photo. Reminds one of Channing the Chainsaw Crowder, famous for the Alaucha County vs. Pasco County gang fight (Bloods vs. Crips style)

LB

Brandon Spikes
Height: 6-foot-4
Weight: 235 pounds
Hometown: Shelby, NC

Yeah, you’re reading through the linebackers and get as far as Brandon S. and you think they’ll be okay, but then you see that it doesn’t end with “iler” and, well, it is what it is. That hair really isn’t inspiring confidence, either.

CB

Markihe Anderson
Height: 5-foot-10
Weight: 170 pounds
Hometown: Fort Meyers, FL

We could have put in a photo of pretty much anyone and you’d never have known the difference.

CB

Wondy Pierre-Louis
Height: 6-foot-0
Weight: 175 pounds
Hometown: Naples, FL

He’s got it all: the name, the hair…

Safety

Tony Joiner
Height: 5-foot-11
Weight: 200 pounds
Hometown: Haines City, FL

Also known as “the DB you’ve heard of before.”

Safety

Kyle Jackson
Height: 6-foot-0
Weight: 200 pounds
Hometown: Neptune Beach, FL

Narrowly edged out Bubba Caldwell as player voted “Looks Most Like Lon Chaney”.