In the wake of the Tennessee win streak and the deluge of media attention directed towards the man, the myth, the legend, LWS decided to catalogue 5 things which are as badass as Coach Bruce Pearl, just in case some of you needed a point of reference.
(5) Jesse Ventura’s Minigun
In the Oscar-winning epic Predator, Jesse Ventura (Best Supporting Actor Nominee) plays Blain, a fairly large soldier who descends into the Colombian jungle with his crack team of military elite. As with any military squad, you have stereotypes who play certain roles (the Native American is the “tracker”, complete with magic dust pouch, the nerd in the terrible glasses is the “linguist”, the other nerd is the explosives expert, then there’s the crazy bald black guy). But no one approaches their role like Blain and his gun, which he named Ol’ Painless.
To fully understand the badassitude of Blain’s weapon selection, some context is necessary. This military operation, led by Dutch (Oscar winner), involves helicopter drops, stealth ops, and long hikes through thick jungle terrain. Each man is faced with outfitting themselves accordingly. Most would choose light gear, maybe bug spray, some extra water even. But not Blain. Blain only needs three items: chewing tobacco, a Crocodile Dundee hat, and a 200 lb. M134 Minigun.
Nothing says stealth like a minigun, complete with 1000 rounds and a battery for its motor all slung on your back. Nothing says trekking through dense jungle, swimming across ponds, and rappelling down ravines like Ol’ Painless. But in the end, I’m glad Blain decides to carry it. Because we all see what happens when crazy black guy decides to go UF on that ass.
(4) This guy
This guy might just be the biggest badass in the world. Nothing says “tough” like “morbidly obese”. This guy is such a badass that he has no qualms demonstrating to SEC nation that he is, in fact, markedly overweight, all while giving tribute to Bama with “body art”.
The only problem I foresee with his badassery rating is his natural propensity to continue to get fatter. After all, what will that body art look like when stretched to mind-blowing proportions as this guy revisits the Barnhill’s Buffet time and time again? Over the years, the Bear himself might become so distorted by this man’s clinical obesity that he may lose that signature cool look, leaning against the goalpost, and instead begin to resemble John Candy in the heartwarming classic Canadian Bacon.
One thing is for sure though, and that is that at this precise moment, Nathan Davis is a badass. From his shaved head to his knickers to his yankee accent to his “Rammer Lammer” tattoos (yes, it does spell Rammer Lammer), he screams Bama. And Bama is t-u-f-f tuff.
(3) Techno Viking
Seriously, is anybody a bigger badass than the Techno Viking? I think that one would be hard pressed to find such a man. Techno Viking obviously lives somewhere in Europe where trance is blared into the streets daily and X is handed out to the citizens like birth control in China. Actually, this may just be the University of Miami.
(2) The Bayside Brawl aka The Most Intense Fight in History
When you have two of the biggest badasses of all time dueling it out, the badassometer goes off the charts. Most can’t comprehend such badassishness. I personally begin to have seizures when thinking about this rumble, and I am therefore limited in how well I can describe it. I rely on a Bayside Historian to more aptly fill in the details.
As you can see, it is probably the most badass thing ever. Watch only if you have the stones.
(1) Bruce Pearl
No one is a bigger badass than Bruce Pearl. That is a fact that has been proven in a lab filled with Asians at M.I.T. We have all be inundated with the man the last few weeks, so I’ll spare you the high-arching prose. I’ll let the numbers do the talking:
In 16 seasons coaching college basketball, Pearl is 388-105 (.787).
Pearl’s winning percentage is ranked 3rd best among active coaches.
Pearl is the 2nd fastest coach in history to reach 300 career victories and is only 47 years old.
Pearl has 6 consecutive 20 win seasons and only 1 season in his 16 year career with less than 20 wins.
Pearl is about to lead UT to its first unshared SEC Title in 41 years.
Pearl is 71-21 in his first 4 years at UT.
Pearl is 15-6 against ranked opponents while at UT.
Pearl is 33-13 against conference opponents while at UT.
Pearl does not have a losing record against any coach in the SEC (aside from Coach Leaving Las Vegas’ 1 win in Lexington – and that ends Sunday).
Most importantly, Pearl is just now starting to recruit with the big boys.
So the lesson is this – if you diss Pearl you diss yourself, and you try and step to him he will break you off faster then Dozier smacks a ho.
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