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Lane Kiffin’s magical start at Tennessee didn’t end Saturday, as many have suggested. As with every other move made to this point, the UCLA loss was all part of the plan.
“We really don’t give a fuck about UCLA,” Kiffin tells LWS in an exclusive and uncensored interview. “They know we could whip that ass anytime we wanted. Norm Chow and that little turd Rick can eat my 6 inch taint. I used the game as a test for our young guys, but our vets knew from as early as Tuesday that we were purposely tanking it.”
One veteran with an exceptionally horrific game was senior quarterback Jonathon Crompton. Crompton knew early last week that Coach Kiffin had different expectations for him this game. “Coach told me after WKU (5 TDs, over 300 yards passing) to just settle down and be the QB I’ve always been. So I did.”
Fans were greeted with the return of the Crompton they have known since he first set foot on campus. He threw 13 interceptions, fumbled 6 snaps, and was a unrepentant fucktard for all 60 minutes of the game. “I was glad to see the old Crompton back,” says Dixon Greenwood, a lifetime Vol fan. “He was inCrompetent all game. It felt like home. The Western Kentucky game made me somewhat uncomfortable with all the scoring and whatnot.”
So why would Crompton be instructed to play like a throbbing hemorrhoid? Chicanery. Guile. Manipulation. “Look, everything I’ve done so far has been calculated,” Kiffin says. “Me and Pops and Ed sat down right after I was hired and drafted up a playbook for the year. Not actual plays, you see, just shit that I was gonna do to get in people’s heads. I knew what I was doing when I dissed all those welfare bastards in Pahokee. I knew what I was doing when I accused that beady-eyed fucker Urb of cheating. And I knew what I was doing when I told you on the day I was hired that we would beat Florida.”
Obviously, the question is clear: how would laughably poor QB play help beat the Gators? Kiffin looked to the history books for the answer. “Trojan Horse motherfucker. Florida’s staff is sitting in Gainesville somewhere, laughing their ass off at a QB performance that would be embarrassing for a church league flag football team. They are scheming against the run. And guess what? Cromptos is gonna fuck them up.”
Crompton agrees. “Yeah, I’m gonna pound them like I pound the swamp donkeys from Cotton Eyed Joes. In the ass. That’s how I fucking do it. I’ll probably throw a near-interception on my first play just to let em think I still suck out loud. But then? Ass-fisting. Fisting. In their ass.”
The tactics don’t end there. Kiffin has already started pushing the wheels of his Trojan Horse towards the gates of Florida. “I am already in that fucking campus. I hired a bunch of strippers from the clubs in Miami. Shot em all up with Swine Flu. I’m talking nasty shit. And they’ve been getting passed around Florida’s athletic dorms like Saban’s bukkake vids.”
To further deepen the plot, Coach Kiffin even suggests omniscience beyond what we have seen thus far. “I am a fucking genius. I know it, you know it, and Urban sure as fuck knows it. Think about it. This weekend we will be rolling the Crompton Trojan Horse into that wigger-filled stadium in Florida. And who did the Gators play last week? Troy. Wrap your brain around that shit homie. Am I saying that I had a hand in Florida’s scheduling years before I took the job here? Ridiculous to suggest, I know. But I’m not saying I didn’t either. And you can quote that shit.”
Even if successful with the old war tactic, a question remains – what to do about star Tim Tebow? “I’ve got that covered,” assures Kiffin. “I knew the infested skanks wouldn’t work on him, because he is inarguably an ass pirate. But every man can get got to, if you know what I mean. Look for Tebow to have a distinct limp this Saturday. All I’ll say about it is this – Tim’s insatiable desire for black dong is gonna hurt him this week. You should see the mutherfucker I sent up there with the whores. Thing looks like a lumberjack’s forearm.”
Larry Scott is a special contributor to LosersWithSocks
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