As the clash between two bitter rivals approaches, former Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer met with the entire Florida team this morning in Gainesville and delivered a fiery speech encouraging the Gators to mercilessly crush the Vols.

“I just told them that football is a game of field position,” said Fulmer.  “You gotta work like heck and get better by watching film and by working the heck out of some work.  That’s how we climbed that mountain in 1998.”

Fulmer was also complimentary of the Gator’s recent success.  “Florida is a proud championship football team with an excellent and verbally-restrained coach.  I applaud Urban Meyer for reaching the high marks I established during my tenure at Tennessee.”

Fulmer’s comments are clearly aimed at Lane Kiffin, Tennessee’s new head coach.  Kiffin, the brash young coach from the NFL, replaced Fulmer after his 17th season in Knoxville.   Kiffin has drawn the ire of Meyer for comments made early in the season.  “I have nothing to say about Lane Kiffin,” said Meyer, a model T-1000.  “He is not important to me.  I do not think about him at night when I go to sleep.  I do not covet his wife.”

Fulmer joined the fray recently, apparently furious at Kiffin for his immature boasting.  “I never talked like that while excelling at UT,” Fulmer said yesterday at a meet and greet in a local Captain D’s.  “I have a road named after me in Knoxville.  Kiffin has a plaque on his desk.”

The Florida players reacted positively to the pep talk.  “Yeah he tell us to go for the freshmen’s knees,” said linebacker Brandon Spikes.  “He also say that Eric Berry is allergic to Drakkar and to wear a lot of that.  There’s plenty of Drakkar in Gainesville.”

Fulmer agreed to speak with the Gators after a weekend golf trip with Meyer, Alabama Coach Nick Saban, radio host Paul Finebaum, and former Tennessee professor Linda Bensel-Meyers.  “They all told me how wonderful a person I was and how they wanted to be like me and achieve what I did at UT.  So I agreed to come talk to their football teams, be a live guest on Paul’s show, and help Linda in her academic case against the university,” said Fulmer.

Fulmer’s anger over his firing continues to grow in spite of the irony that looms over it.  Fulmer replaced former Tennessee coach Johnny Majors after he poisoned his then-boss and instigated a coup for the head position while Majors was hospitalized.  Majors has remained bitter ever since.

“Yes,” said Majors.  “I do indeed hate that fat f#&*.”

When asked about the glaring irony, Fulmer explains it away.  “Totally different situations,” said Fulmer.  “I was winning numerous championships at UT, like every year.  Everyone agreed I was a great coach and that we were doing it the right way.  Now some entitled teenage punk from Minnesota is coaching the Big Orange, and I even hear that the bastard Majors is back on campus.”

“Yes,” said Majors.  “I am indeed back on campus.  Tell Phil to f(#$ himself.”

Kiffin, relaxing at a local salon, takes it all in stride.  “Look brother, I’m just trying to get a fresh haircut and enjoy the co-eds.  I hear Fulmer’s out for me.  I hear it man.  And you know what?  He can get on these nuts.”

The jawing doesn’t end there.  “And tell Urban to get laid once in awhile.  I don’t know what’s gonna happen Saturday, but tell him I’ll see him again in February.”

Kiffin is referencing National Signing Day, a day that Kiffin reveled in last year, stealing top recruits from Florida, Alabama and LSU.  “The Vols are up in you like a case of Arkansas crabs,” said Kiffin.  “You aren’t getting rid of us.  Urb’s lithium battery will run out soon.  Saban will quit after those insane boosters cause him to lose his feathered angel wing bangs.  And I don’t remember the other coaches in the league.  But this staff?  We are here to stay.”

As to Fulmer, he says he just wants to help other schools win in any way he can.  “Tell them I am here to help,” he said, with that look in his eye.  “I can do speaking arrangements, if food is provided, for a nominal fee.  I am good with breaking down X’s and O’s, especially against my own former players.  I can give dirt on our big boosters.  I’ve been a rat before, and I’m not afraid to continue to be.”

Apparently, Phillip Fulmer isn’t quite ready to retire.

(890 SAT in action. Photoshop by Scott)