As these two bitter rivals march towards their showdown in Atlanta, LWS is proud to bring you the interweb’s first Tale of the Tape – The University of South California v. The University of Tennessee.  Today, LWS will preview the coaching matchups.  The Preview will continue Friday, with final predictions Monday.

HEAD COACHES:

Derek Dooley v. Lane Kiffin

Dooley, a one-time practicing attorney, brings his unfathomably anal management style and hair cut to Rocky Top.  While seemingly a knee-jerk hire to Kiffin’s former “Frat Party on the Hill”, he is.

Dooley was formerly the head coach of Louisiana Tech, a terrible school and un-oiled paradise located in the northern part of the Bayou State.  Under his direction for three seasons, the LaTech football program blossomed, remaining completely marginal and unremarkable, all while quietly making one bowl game.  LaTech administrators erected a bobblehead of Dooley when he left for Tennessee, and it proudly stands atop the microwave in the student lounge.

Dooley learned his trade under the tutelage of Nick Saban;  it is uniformly expected that he will not enjoy Saban’s level of success.

Lane Kiffin, the son of legend Monte Kiffin, was the head coach of Tennessee just one year ago, jilting the Vols for USC after he realized that Appalachians do indeed have cameras in their cell phones.  Prior to his one-year stint in Knoxville, Kiffin had never been a head coach anywhere other the disastrous Raiders.  While seemingly hired solely due to the weight of Monte Kiffin’s influence, he was.

Lane Kiffin’s success at Tennessee was debatable.  He was an excellent recruiter, using the skills he had developed while serving as Recruiting Coordinator at South California.  Kiffin brought some big-time talent to the hills of Tennessee, engaging the services of stand-outs like Mike Edwards and Nu’Keese Richardson.  Kiffin’s early departure left his long-term plan unrealized, however, as he had not yet been able to fully initiate the patented “Semi-Agent” program first used at USC.

His coaching results were far less glorious.  He struggled to 7 wins, only to be trounced by Frank Goiter of Virgina Tech in the Peach Bowl.  His public speaking and fan relations were even more disastrous; Kiffin’s penchant for un-tucked surfer’s tees were out of place in the South and his eclectic vocal mix of a monotone Mid-Western accent coupled with a slight speech impediment failed to connect with the UT fans, who prefer their figureheads portly and lovable like Boss Hogg or charismatic like Rick Flair.

LWS’ Verdict: Dooley will have his boys focused, hygienic, well-rested and fluent in German.  By all accounts, Kiffin’s players loathe him.  Advantage – Tennessee.

KEY ASSISTANT COACHES

Jim Chaney v. Johnny Morton

Chaney, the Vols’ Offensive Coordinator, retains the same title that he had last year.  In 2009, however, Kiffin actually served as OC, calling impermissibly retarded plays and generally ruining any installed game plan by demonstrating an infantile refusal to change styles until he got his way.  Chaney is now free to run his offense from the skybox, a position he prefers due to his clinical obesity.

John Morton, USC’s “Passing Game Coordinator”, will no doubt experience Chaney’s exasperation as Morton works under Lane at USC.  He has already been formally demoted from OC and will surely relish the opportunity to have his headset unplugged mid-game, all while watching his boss thrown tantrums on the sidelines.

LWS’ Verdict: Morton’s goatee does not trump Chaney’s fupa.  Advantage – Tennesssee.

Monte Kiffin / Ed Orgeron v. Lance Thompson / Chuck Smith

As the heart of the USC defense, Monte and Coach O are a fearsome twosome with a long list of accolades to their names.  Before being badgered into working for his son, Monte was a longtime NFL coach, leading the stalwart defenses of teams like the Bucs and Eagles from 1886-1932.  Orgeron, while a great defensive line coach, is primarily known for his recruiting.  He is legendary for his “War Rooms” – sections of office locked off to University and NCAA officials and rumored to be stocked with unregistered cell phones, bags of money, S&M equipment and blow.  He was instrumental in South California’s recruiting-romp-turned-probation of the early 2000’s.

Lance Thompson, UT’s LB coach, was brought on board by Kiffin during his Tennessee tenure and was also left in his aftermath.  According to reports, Lance, Lane and Orgeron have developed a sincere hatred for each other, including profanity-laced voicemails left on University phones.  Chuck Smith is new to the college game but has significant experience in the NFL coaching defensive lines.

LWS’ Verdict: Monte has demonstrated a total inability to craft defenses that can stop the college spread game, and no amount of Orgeron-yelling can fix it.  It has been reported that Monte can only become erect when huffing Rogaine spray while wearing a McCluster jersey as a diaper.  Lance and Chuck together have an uncanny resemblance to Crockett and Tubbs.  Advantage – Tennesssee.

[Tomorrow we continue our Preview]