Post coitum, omne animal triste, est. (After copulation, every animal is sad.)
Me: Hey, thanks for taking the time to talk with me, Mr. BBB. I know you’re a busy guy.
Big Bama Booster (BBB): Roll Tide, y’all. It’s a pleasure to have you here on our farm. I am always down to talk about Alabama football. I suspect you want to talk about our little group though, right? Especially after we just jumped FSU for a playoff spot.
Me: You could say I’m dying to know more about your group or is it a collective? By the way, I may have chosen the wrong word for my level of enthusiasm, dying is to be taken figuratively. Bama fans have been known to shoot each other over a loss, and I’m not exactly looking to become a statistic.
BBB: Look, we got our share of die-hard fans who’d fight your ass over the Tide, especially after a loss. Good thing we don’t lose very often.
Can you imagine the flood of people in emergency rooms? Our medical system could be overwhelmed.
You probably read up on all those shootings and stabbings after a loss. Besides those incidents are merely anomalies, Auburn fans masquerading as Alabama fans.
Me: Can we talk a little bit about your background? Me: Can we delve into your past and talk about your journey to the military? What drove you to join the Army Special Forces?
*BBB:* Sure, kid. Let’s talk about the past. You asked about the military, right?
(Sighs)
Serving this country wasn’t just a choice, it was a calling.
Joining the Army Special Forces was more than just a career choice; it was a calling. I wanted to push myself to the limit, to test my physical and mental strength in the most challenging environments imaginable. The Green Berets are the best of the best, and I was determined to become one of them.
Robin Sage, google it, was brutal, both physically and mentally. We were pushed to our breaking points, tested in ways we never thought possible. But I never gave up. I knew that every push-up, every mile rucked, every sleepless night was bringing me closer to my goal.
It made me tougher, more resilient, and more resourceful. It gave me the skills and the mindset to tackle any challenge, both on the battlefield and in the business world.
Dumber than Dirt
Me: So, you have been up to hijinks for a long time? Tell me a story of one of your better capers. Did you have a hand in the hiring of Jeremy Pruitt at the University of Tennessee?
BBB: His laughter echoed in the smoky room adorned with Bama memorabilia. the laughter source, with a sly grin, calmly and cooly said, “We put us a real fox in the hen house moment, right into the heart of the Tennessee football program”. He then grinned and said, “Fulmer should have seen it coming, after what he did to Logan Young (Booster) and old Mal (Moore, former AD).”
(Raises an eyebrow) “Hey, whatever works, right? Look at Alabama’s trophy case. It’s overflowing with championship hardware. We get results, and that’s all that matters. I have lost track of all of our nattys”.
He leans forward and with an earnest face says, “Myself and a few others wanted to see if we could put one of our boys on the inside of the Tennessee program, a Trojan Horse if you will, to sow the seeds of chaos in Knoxville. just for fun. See if it could be done, and sure as shit, we did it.” The McDonald’s Happy Meal-Cash thing? Shoo-wee. I wet my pants when they lost scholarships over that.
Trojan Horse
Me: A Trojan Horse? Tell me more?
BBB: (Laughs) Oh, that was a real fox in the henhouse moment. We slipped one of our boys, Pruitt, right into the heart of the Volunteers’ program. He was there to coach, sure, but also to sprinkle a little Bama magic on them hillbillies. Chaos, incompetence… we wanted it all.
Pruitt, bless his heart, was like a double agent but dumber than dirt. They say he was there to coach, but really, he was on a mission to sprinkle a bit of that crimson pixie dust on those hillbillies. We wanted chaos, incompetence, and our winning streak over them to continue. So we let him run free.
(chuckling) Hellfire, I was watching that PAC-12 championship game the other night between Washington and Oregon, and I nearly pissed myself laughing. Bo Nix was playing in that game, still, balling since the Clinton administration. Pathetic.
Made me think about, how we “nudged” Auburn in the right direction with their coaching search. Made sure that clown they hired would turn their program into a dumpster fire? And then, the coup de grace, we sent Bo Nix packing to the West Coast, where he’ll be some other defensive coordinator problem and not Bamas’.
The real icing on the cake was that Washington quarterback, the one with the arm of a dadgone cannon. The kid was a dead-set Tennessee Vol, ready to bleed orange and white until our boy’s OC sauntered in whispering sweet nothings into the kid’s ear about how he “doesn’t fit the system”. So he left and went out west. Now look, he is going to probably play us in the Playoffs and win a Heisman.
It really scares me to think how good Tennessee could have been with a really good QB. But we fixed that for sure.
Tennessee Cheated
Me. Let’s go back to 2022. The aftermath of the Tennessee game in Neyland Stadium. What happened that day?
Me: Let’s talk about the aftermath of the Tennessee game in 2022. What happened?
BBB: BBB: (Cigars clenched between his fingers) That day still burns. Losing to those damn Volunteers after 15 years? Unthinkable! The hillbillies went wild, tore down the goalposts, threw ’em in the river… the audacity! Right then and there, I vowed revenge. Tennessee’s season and those playoff dreams? Gone. I’ll never forget them throwing beer at me. Never.
Walking away from this initial part of the interview, BBB’s arrogance and disregard for the rules were unnerving. But even more unsettling was the sense of powerlessness that washed over me. What could I, a lone reporter, do against such a powerful organization?
Next: A Torpedo in the Water
Next up. BBB discusses his complex LeCarre-like alliance with Ohio State.
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