“Who Is America’s Quarterback, Partner?” isn’t just a novel—it’s an alternative history cultural touchstone, dissecting the ego, rivalry, and relentless ambition that define modern college football broadcasting. Capers Barr peels back the curtain on the Big Ten versus SEC battle with a wit so sharp it could cut through a helmet visor.
“A masterclass in satire and sports drama. Think ‘Moneyball’ meets ‘Succession’—Caper Barr’s latest is as compelling as a game-winning drive.” – ‘Los Audibles,’ Podcast.
Excerpt 3: Who Is America’s Quarterback Partner?
Vanity Never Pauses
It was Tuesday afternoon, just four days before Fox’s Big Game Saturday National broadcast featuring Ohio State and Penn State. Joel and Gus were in route to State College, with a scheduled stopover in Columbus to meet with Ohio State Head Coach Ryan Day for a routine pre-production meeting.
The production meeting with Coach Day was supposed to be routine. Tomorrow would prove to be anything but, Joel had a plan.
As the sleek Cessna jet taxied to the Fixed Base Operator, Signature Air, at John Glenn Columbus International Airport (CMH), Joel was already on the phone with his assistant, Adrian, who had arrived the day before to make sure schedules and accommodations were up to Fox Big Noon Kickoff standards.
“Adrian, get me a haircut appointment at that badass barber downtown, Nini’s was the place if I recall correctly, it’s near campus —and I want a slight change, a tapered cut, neck shave, straight razor only. Oh, and book me a pedicure (a clear reference to Herbies Montana footrub), too. Low-key, no frills. Let’s plan on getting a table at the Varsity tonight. I want a burger.”
As Joel and Gus stepped off the plane, the crisp fall air hitting their hydrated faces as they surveyed a surprisingly empty tarmac. Joel’s sharp gaze scanned the area, as if expecting a throng of media or fans, his expression darkening at their absence. Among 18–55-year-old male fans of Ohio State and Big Ten football, Joel had become a cult hero—he was their Moses, leading the Big Ten out of the wilderness of the SEC.
Adrian, already waiting in the front seat of the car, glanced up as Joel climbed in. “Wait—a burger? Did you just say you want a hamburger?” His tone was cautious, almost suspicious.
Joel leaned back into the leather seat. “Yeah. A burger. And a big old basket of Sweet Potato fries, too—gotta keep it healthy.”
Adrian hesitated, his phone hovering mid-air. Joel didn’t eat red meat. Ever. The man’s diet, like his skincare regimen, was part of his unrelenting grind. Wanting a burger at the Varsity felt way off. Then another thought clicked. “Wait—did he say he wanted a tapered cut?”
Was Joel really changing his hairstyle? Right before stepping out onto college football’s biggest stage of the season? Had he lost his mind? What in the blue hell was he thinking? It had already seemed super weird when he adopted Herbstreit’s blocked haircut a couple of seasons earlier, despite the social stigma attached to it. When questioned about it, Joel had simply shrugged and said, “Deer hunters use deer piss.”
“Joel,” Adrian asked slowly, his voice cautious, “what’s going on? Think about this for a minute—do you really want to dick around with changing your hairstyle before this game?”
Joel’s grin widened, his sugarless gum popping. So annoying, thought Adrian. Ever since he’d read that GQ article about Jawliner gum sharpening angular jawlines, Joel had been chewing Jawliner non-stop, and if we are being honest, it was working, His jawlines were approaching Zoolander-levels of yoked. “Kirk Herbstreit’s hairline is on full fucking retreat. He isn’t going to out-pretty me.”
Gus glanced up from his phone and laughed. “You’re unbelievable.”
“Partner, you’re really taking this to the next level, huh? A pedicure? I was only joking about your feet not being pretty. People would pay good money for your feet pics.”
Joel chuckled before turning his gaze to Gus. “That’s right, I do have pretty feet.”
Push Comes to Shove
Wednesday. Three days before the game. Their car service rolled to a stop outside the Woody Hayes Athletic Center (WHAC). Adrian stepped out first, double-checking the schedule on his phone. Joel and Gus trailed behind, swaggering like they were walking in slow motion, each step oozing the kind of jacked confidence that only ‘aura, looks, and smell maxxing’ could deliver. They genuinely believed every eye in Columbus—if not America—was trained on them.
And perhaps they were. Both ESPN’s College GameDay and Fox’s Big Noon Kickoff would be broadcasting from Penn State. By coincidence—or serendipity—both shows had booked interviews with Coach Day at the same time.
It was crazy times in College Football, thanks to the NIL era—cats were sleeping with dogs, pigs had wings, and the world was truly upside down. This week, four of the top five ranked teams in the country hailed from the Big Ten, with only one from the SEC. This wasn’t random. It was the result of meticulous planning and bigger forces working behind the scenes—forces reshaping the college football paradigm.
Case in point: the national media had fully bought into Fox and the College Football Playoff Committee’s embrace of Indiana’s improbable rise as a Top Five Cinderella story.
“What horseshit,” Joel had told Gus on the Cessna. “Indiana is straight-up hot garbage. But hey, whatever it takes to get us to the top of the mountain.”
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