I have returned from a brief stint in Brushy Mountain to pen my third piece for LWS. As the year ends, I would like to detail what I consider the year’s worst moments for or figures in our shared conference.
5. Lou Holtz
Never before has anyone been worse at a job than Lou Holtz is at his (not counting Knoxville radio personality Mickey Dearstone, who is FEMA head Mike “Browny” Brown to our local radio disaster). Horrific speech impediment aside, Sweet Lou’s substantive value is also incredibly minimal. In short, Lou Holtz could be as smooth as Brian Williams and still be an idiot.
Fans have and always will refer to specific media members as “homers”. “Top Ten” Tim Brando is frequently called an LSU homer. Former Blackshirt and current dickhead Trev Alberts is a Nebraska and (for some reason) UGA homer. Mark May is a Steve Urkel homer. But of all these allegations, nothing even approaches the absolute rejection of reality that goes on in Holtz’s little head. Here are the rules – Holtz picks his former teams to win every game. He does so confidently and without reservation. See the predicted Arkansas beat down on USC. See the following quote: “USC has a better chance of beating Oregon State than UT has beating South Carolina” (USC had already lost). See the fearless Irish selection every week. See an absolute moron.
What really gets me about Holtz, however, is his look. Granny, sporting his birth control specs and cheap suits, is apparently trying to make us feel safe and comfortable, trying to convince us that he is as warm and inviting as a fresh batch of mom’s cookies.
“Come to me young one, I smell of fresh laundry”
Those who follow college football, however, know better; underneath that exterior lies a cold-blooded cheater who will stop at nothing to win short term and leave the program in utter chaos. Hopefully he can bring that magic touch to the current ESPN studio crew.
Which brings us to our next embarrassment…
4. Arkansas/USC
There is nothing more pathetic than an SEC fanatic who firmly believes that Kentucky could win the Big 12. Well, aside from the Big 10 fan and 95% of the media who think that Iowa is the fifth best team in the country. After giving Arkansas a “pass” for their absolute embarrassment in SoCal in 2005, SEC
fans and idiot Lou Holtz proudly proclaimed that Arkansas would beat down the Trojans in 2006 for reasons ranging from inexperience at quarterback to the “rough terrain” of the Ozarks. Many believed that USC would be “shocked” at Arkansas’ speed and announced that USC “doesn’t play defense in their candy ass league.” Apparently to some in the South, the Pac 10 is not made up of athletes, but rather an amalgamation of ultimate frisbee loving leftists who break from their rigorous pro-gay marriage lobbying schedule to play some football, all the while seeking to recruit Southern youth into their homo mafia.
“Just keep your fag hands off our kids”
Unfortunately for Arkansas, USC came to play and dominated the game. The loss was first spun in the SEC world as simply reflective of a team that would be lucky to finish fourth in the West. This argument rather cruelly bit us in the collective ass when Arkansas ended up in Atlanta. I have also frequently heard that the only reason Arkansas lost was due to the fact that star Darren McFadden didn’t play. Careful and diligent research, however, has revealed that he did indeed play (9 carries for 45 yards). Was he 100%? I doubt it. So let’s assume he’s fully healthy for that game and scores three times on dominant running. The score then becomes 50-35, moving the loss down the embarrassment meter from “getting caught covering genitals with peanut butter in order to seduce family dog” to a much more respectable “crapping pants immediately after takeoff on flight from New York to Hong Kong”.
While the SEC was bailed out in part by Tennessee’s whipping of the Neo-Marxist
Cal Golden Guevaras, Arkansas’ loss served to humiliate the hee haw’s from these parts who were sure that Dick and Nutt would pound West Coast pussy any given day. I guess they forgot that most homosexuals really enjoy working out.
3. Coach Orgeron
Not since Bob Davie has such a shitty coach received so much attention. This guy has done absolutely nothing in his two year tenure aside from squeak out wins over Memphis and MSU, “convince” players to come to Oxford, and beat his wife. Yet he is everywhere, on the radio discussing the intricacies of the Iraq War or pushing a Hummer at your local dealer (“Tell ’em about it JoJo”). He even has a popular song written for him. Linked here for the reader’s pleasure. click me
But for all the attention, Ogre is hardly a media darling. In fact, I’m not sure he even enjoys the spotlight. Is he a polished public speaker? Yes. Does he diligently serve on the Mississippi NAACP board? Of course. And everyone knows that he is a published and respected arborist. But that long term problem remains; it is always bubbling underneath the surface; it is practically the elephant in the locker room. Edward Herman Orgeron can’t go twenty minutes without kicking the shit out of somebody.
There have been official reports concerning Big Ed’s penchant for violence, and many we have all heard. The infamous team introduction comes to find, where Ed declined the standard “lets’s get to know each other, everybody stand up and say where you’re from and what’s in your CD player right now” and decided to go with the more unconventional “yaws a bunch of queens, who da fuk is ready to go rite knaw? I break yo goddam face” instead. Reviews on his forward thinking concept were mixed, and the Rebel Club opted for the more traditional “hello I am…” approach during Coach O’s first meet and greet with his Boosters. There was also, of course, the incident in which he beat his neighbor, his neighbor’s wife, his neighbor’s kid, his neighbor’s cat, and his neighbor’s front door all due to an unfortunate trampolining disagreement.
But insiders have confirmed to LWS several other incidents which are set to burst upon the national media any moment. Here are a couple that have been reported by reliable sources:
– October 12, 2005. After another painful practice in which his team continued to play like “litta girls humpin dey Barbies”, Orgeron decided to grab a 24 of Steel Reserve and some Chicken on a Stick from one of Oxford’s six “restaurants”. When the morbidly obese, Weis-esque man behind the counter informed him that only the burrito and potato wedge options remained, Ed speared the man in his portly thigh with a corn dog skewer and urinated on the magazine rack.
– April 12, 2006. During spring practice, a player commented under his breath that Orgeron looked and smelled like he had been “partying like Pete Doherty after getting released from custody”. Ed reportedly kneed said player in his scrotal area, knocking him to the turf, and demanded that the “real Rebels” show their teammate what bukkake was all about. The incident was immediately broken up by Hugh Freeze, assistant head coach and staff dork, before any belts were loosened.
– August 21, 2006. Orgeron is arrested in Tunica, MS after attempting to fight the 40 foot inflatable cowboy that is anchored to the parking lot of Big Earl’s Fireworks on the Tennessee/Mississippi border.
Many things can be said about Ed Orgeron. Many things are said about Ed Orgeron. And aside from “pretty good class he’s putting together down there,” none of it is positive. He is a stain on the SEC’s linens but is also a source of endless entertainment. Part of me wants Ole Miss to demand that he be accountable for his behavior, yet a bigger part enjoys the image of Orgeron snapping one day and assaulting a Grove patron, spilling honey mustard all over the lace tablecloth covering their fold out card table (Please see my previous “5 Most Retarded SEC Traditions“). One can only dream.
2. SEC Coaches’ Hair/Hat/Stache Styling
For the Auburn grads attempting to read this article, this one’s for you. Just pictures:
1. Alabama
Let me preface this entry with a caveat. My previous attempts at poorly designed humor are clearly intentional and heavily satirical. Be warned, the remainder of this essay is not funny. Even less funny than the rest of my article.
There is an obnoxious country song about Alabama that is sung daily in the various taverns on the school’s strip and in the cubicles of Bama grads all over the country. Everyone knows this song. It does not, however, even begin to ring true to the reality of the current situation in Tuscaloosa. There is nothing sweet about the dark cloud hovering over the Capstone. Neil Young, crackhead Canadian, is the one who got it right:
Alabama, you got the weight on your shoulders, that’s breaking your back.
Your cadillac has got a wheel in the ditch, and a wheel on the track…
What’s going wrong?
In fifteen years, Alabama has gone from atop the SEC hierarchy
to our biggest liability. Not since Ears Whitworth have the Bammers been in such a gutter. Where did the slide begin, one might ask? Stallings’ retirement? Mike Dubose? Logan Young, a man actually celebrated in Alabama for his commitment to the Tide? The SI story straight from the mouth of a hooker? Shula’s gold chain? One could debate these questions all day and never find the answer. But one thing’s for sure, and to put it simply, Alabama sucks.
A quick recap. Bama played a disgraceful schedule this year and almost missed out on a bowl game. Ed Orgeron outcoached Shula (yes, outcoached) and almost won in Tuscaloosa. Sly Croom outcoached Shula and won in Tuscasloosa. Bama was
one play away from finishing last in the West. At the end of the regular season, the state of Alabama football was already beaten and bloodied. There were some bright spots for the year, and Shula was putting together a decent class. Many rational Bammers saw a ray of hope in 2007 and thought that Bama was on the right track, running a relatively clean program under a good and decent man. Oh, the sad yet hilarious irony of it all.
Everyone knows what has happened since then, and I won’t belabor the point. The latest involves coaching legend Don Shula cracking Bama on national television. It is becoming painful to witness, like watching the nauseatingly fat woman in spandex return for her 5th plate at Barnhill’s Buffet. You watch with a grimace, hoping that she will decide against it, hoping that she will turn back. But when that ninth piece of fried country steak hits the plate, it no longer becomes funny. You are embarrassed for her and for everyone else that is there. This is Alabama football.
Regardless of what many say, the Bama situation is no longer comical. It is bad for the conference in its entirety, and therefore bad for me and you. The self-described jewel of college football, boasting a record 79 National Championships and 142 SEC titles, has been reduced to nothing more than Mississippi State with a nicer campus. My own beloved Vols supposedly have a bitter rivalry with the Tide, a rivaly steeped in tradition but no recent meaning. At some point, we may all need to ask ourselves a question: should we even invite the fat girl to the party?
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