Alabama is fifth. Tennessee is thirteenth. Both are 6–2. Tennessee beat Alabama 26–10 and outgained the Tide 347–201. The committee reviewed the numbers and decided to look beyond the football field.
Men, I Should Have Braced You
PinhotiVol addressed the General’s Quarters with the grim composure of a man delivering a casualty notification.
“Men, I should have braced you for this news. It is, and always has been, about Alabama. Protect Alabama at all costs.”
Alabama’s loss to Tennessee presented the committee with an unpleasant choice: reward the team that won, or safeguard the national reputation of the team that lost. The committee did its duty.
Pinhoti explained that Tennessee’s sixteen-point win was unsuitable for ranking purposes. Too many witnesses. An actual scoreboard. Worse, it threatened a precedent under which teams might expect credit for winning games.
Alabama celebrated its No. 5 ranking with an official graphic, despite the unpleasantness in Knoxville. Apparently the scoreboard is not an approved ranking instrument.
The General’s Quarters Begins Doing Mathematics
On VolQuest, Gatsby asked: “Does this committee even watch ball? Holy shite. This is all time bad.”
Hopes03 argued Tennessee belonged around No. 16 or 17 after losing to South Carolina. Luther Johnson pointed out the sixteen-point Alabama win. The General’s Quarters had both sides of the argument, neither believing the other had watched football.
Vol4.Life saw the broader plan: “They set Bama up to be a lock at 9-3. Clear as day.”
0_Dpman24 agreed Alabama could survive a third loss. The committee had installed a third-loss airbag.
Pinhoti returned with an update. “Men, several of you are still treating this as a ranking of football teams. It is a ranking of the consequences of ranking football teams. There is a difference.” Officially, head-to-head matters when teams look comparable. By ranking Alabama eight places higher, the committee had already solved that problem.
The Farmer Feeds the Chickens
Hunter Yurachek, Arkansas’s athletic director, chairs the 13-member CFP selection committee. He previously ran athletics at Houston and Coastal Carolina. A career in college sports prepared him to explain why Tennessee’s sixteen-point win over Alabama left Tennessee eight places below Alabama.
Five more athletic directors, four former head coaches, two former players and sportswriter Ivan Maisel fill out the roster. Auburn’s former coach Gus Malzahn is on it. So is Virginia athletic director Carla Williams. Plenty of football expertise. Not enough brains to read a scoreboard.
VolnavyMan, who runs a bait shop outside Rogersville, counted twelve. “I ain’t counting the woman. Probably some DEI plant who doesn’t know jackshit.”
SmokyEsquire, a Knoxville attorney, pointed out that Carla Williams actually runs Virginia’s athletic department. VolnavyMan responded by demanding that Beth Mowins be removed from the committee immediately. Mowins is a play-by-play announcer. She isn’t on the committee and never cast a vote. VolnavyMan said that was beside the point.
PinhotiVol did not call them dishonest. “Men, a farmer does not hate his chickens. He feeds them, protects them from foxes and keeps their water clean. He simply has a different understanding of Thanksgiving.”
BlueCollarVol, the Kimball plumber, wanted to know if Tennessee was the chicken. Pinhoti said Tennessee was the chicken that had begun asking why the farmer owned so many roasting pans.
“Every Tuesday the farmer throws out another handful of rankings,” wrote LWSVol. “We rush into the yard, peck around, thank him for thirteenth, and argue with the other chickens about which one gets eaten first.”
Pinhoti asked the board not to use the word conspiracy. “Gentlemen, a man can raise chickens for thirty years without ever having a personal dispute with a chicken.”
By Wednesday, even the reporters had wandered into the yard.
David Ubben covered Tennessee for The Athletic before becoming a national college football writer. He noted Alabama was Tennessee’s only win over a team with a winning record. Fair enough. His post put Tennessee seven spots below Alabama. That would have been kinder. The CFP made it eight.
Austin Stanley of A to Z Sports objected to a reporter climbing the ladder on Tennessee fans’ passion and then taking a dump on them from a high horse. Pinhoti wanted everyone back on the chickens.
BlueTick88, watching the argument lurch into its fourth hour, offered the only forecast anyone trusted: “Close your eyes. Imagine everything. Now imagine it being much gayer for at least the next 4-5 weeks. Okay. Open your eyes.”
Nobody asked for the methodology.
MaryvilleVol72 suggested Tennessee quit reporting final scores altogether. Nobody objected until someone remembered Kentucky was coming to Knoxville Saturday.
Kentucky Is the Load-Bearing Wall
The Kentucky problem arrives in Knoxville Saturday. Alabama beat Kentucky, and Kentucky sits sixth. Tennessee beat Alabama, and Tennessee sits thirteenth. The committee had somehow made beating Alabama less valuable than being Alabama. Pinhoti could not find a way to challenge this without further improving Alabama’s résumé.
One VolQuest commenter, Vols700, put the circular argument plainly: “Bama has one good win, two if you count beating USC in Tuscaloosa. Vols have one good win. So beating USC at home is trumping the Vols hammering Bama by 16? An 8 spot difference? No good explanation for it.”
On X, Grind City Vol asked Ubben, “Hey David will you call Kentucky a legit win after this weekend?” Jon Powers asked whether strength of schedule now trumped head-to-head.
Pinhoti was troubled by another possibility. “If we beat Kentucky, Alabama’s Kentucky win gets worse. If Kentucky beats us, Alabama’s Kentucky win gets better. Our only sound option may be to postpone the game until somebody can determine which outcome helps Alabama most.”
On Saturday, Tennessee will play Kentucky. By Tuesday, Alabama will have won.
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