(Hat tip to tommynole3476. Notice that Chris Leak is never mentioned?)
Dear Ohio State Buckeyes,
While I have never been a fan of your team, school, or any of your players. And I have always felt it is the oddest case of narcissism that you must add a “THE” whenever referring to your school. I feel the need to tell you that THE state of Florida needs you now, The United States of America needs you now, dare I say THE World needs you now. If you manage to lose to the University of Florida at Gainesville, I am not sure if you are aware of the ripple affect it will have on the entire State of Florida, and eventually the country, and quite possibly the world. This is more than a national championship game, this is a fight for preventing a tragic increase in a number of hideous, disgusting, and horrific acts of senseless redneckness. Here are just some of the things that will eventually take over the country if you were to lose.
1. The mullet hair style will not only come back into style, it will be the only style available at most major hair salons, women’s included. (Don’t know what a mullet is? Business in the front, party in the back. Barry Melrose, you get the picture.)
2. The only type of clothing you will be able to buy anywhere (Wal-Mart, Target, Department Stores, and yes even the Gap) will be jean shorts, various types of gator tank tops, mesh gator hats, and gator themed camouflage. (As though a tree or bush would have a gator symbol randomly placed on it)
3. At all grocery stores and convenience stores milk, bottled water, and fruit juice will ultimately be replaced with aluminum cans (not even glass bottles) of bud, Busch, Coors, and old Milwaukee. (that’s right, all foreign beers will be gone, you won’t even be able to get a Sam Adams eventually!)
4. A new Bill legalizing domestic violence will be signed, with the only stipulation being if “she started it.”
5. A new “King James Version” of the Bible will soon be created, the only noticeable change will be replacing God with Urban Meyer, Jesus with Tim Tebow, and Lord with Percy Harvin.
6. ESPN Classic will be forced to only show replays of Gator games, and since there aren’t enough wins in their history against real teams, they will be forced to change the outcome of many games through editing and photo shopping one teams uniforms onto another’s, and vice versa. (Didn’t know it was actually Tommy Frazier and Lawrence Phillips who played for Florida? They will now!)
7. The phrase “Git ‘er Done!” will be taught in all grade levels in all institutions across the country, as an acceptable response to anything, and will be required to be said at least 20 times a day, with half of said times being screamed and followed with “Go Gators!”
8. Orthodontists and Dentists will immediately be disbanded as a legal practice of medicine. If you need braces, dental work, or a filling it will have to be done in basements, back alleys, or roaming vans.
9. Brushes and toothpaste will also be replaced with dip, chewing tobacco, and cigarettes. And the legal age of 18 to buy said products will be abolished (that’s right your 4 month old could buy Redman if he wanted to!).
10. Possibly worst of all the American flag would soon be replaced with the Southern Cross, only with various versions of said flag being acceptable, and are including but not limited to: Flags bearing the phrases “git ‘er done” “Go Gators!” “Show me your T!ts!” “I told you the South would do it again!” etc.
Jim Tressel, Troy Smith, Ted Ginn and teammates, we are all counting on you to prevent the said tragedies from happening. I am not concerned with how much you win by, or if you need to pay off some refs like you did in the NC game against Miami. Just as long as you win.
Sincerely,
Seminole Nation and America
Leave a Reply