Dear Detriot Muthafuckin Lions and that assbag Matt Millen,
This is Ramzee Robinson. You just selected me with the 45th pick in the 7th round of the NFL draft. As I’m sure you know, that makes me “Mr. Irrelevant”. Let me thank you so much for granting me the unwanted attention that goes along with this title. My fucking face has already been on ESPN. Sportsdorks throughout the country have committed me to memory. Now everybody knows me as the worst player drafted in 2007.
(Photo courtesy of UAKing of BamaOnline’)
As you know, you could have easily just drafted some other no-talent fuckstick and signed me to a free agent deal ten fucking seconds after you turned that stupidass card into that loser stuck reading names in the 7th round. Then nobody would have noticed when I fail miserably in the upcoming camps. But oh fucking no. You had to pick me, so when I get cut from your garbage team people all over the fucking country will say “Mr. Irrelevant’s been released, he really did suck ass at football.” Hey Millen, you fat fuck, last I checked you didn’t have the greatest group of QB’s in the world, so why not draft Chris Leak? Irrelevancy would have been a fitting end to his career. I should do your job for you, lard ass.
And I’ve got another question. Where in the fuck did you have me rated in your draft evaluations? Number 255? Cuz that’s where you fucking picked me. How exactly did you differentiate between 254 and 255? Testicle size? SAT scores? Ability to fuck your wife? And who in the fuck did I beat out? Who is the lucky asshat who was sitting at 256 on your board? You know, the guy that got inked to a free agent deal ten minutes after the fucking draft was over. That lucky bastard isn’t already on Wikipedia for being “biggest douche-nozzle of 2007”.
With your 158th pick, you chose Johnny Baldwin from Alabama A&M. Do you even know who in the fuck that guy is? I went to goddamn Alabama you stupid fuck. Not Alabama A&T or whatever. Why not draft me at 158 based on that alone? Don’t sell me your horse manure about believing in my abilities. You signed a guy from fucking Alabama A&M over me. I used to shit in that guy’s cereal in high school. I gave his girlfriend herpes on purpose. You guys need to get your heads out of your asses and realize that Johnny Baldwin is a bumbling retard who had to sleep his way through a school full of retards. I can’t wait for the day when you realize that you drafted a painfully slow Mongoloid with the reflexes of the girl I roofied last night. It will be a glorious day. Too bad I’ll be leaving town on the same day as he does.
And don’t expect me to be thrilled cuz I got “draft money”. That extra 50 grand ain’t going to mean jack when I’m coaching middle school football in a month. You know what real money is Millen? 3 million. That’s fucking rap video money bitch. I may just be the first “Mr. Irrelevant” to hold out on their team. I want 3 mill just to show up to your bunkass city, and another 2 mill for not beating the shit out of you and your assistant. Cuz that’s how Ramzee fucking Robinson rolls. How’s that for irrelevant?
One last thing before I have to come to camp and start answering a bunch of goddamn questions from crackers who have never played a day of football in their life. I got ahold of Detriot’s scouting report on me from some ho that I’ve been slaying in your front office. Here’s what you said about me:
Strengths:
A smooth athlete…Has fluid hips…More quick than fast…Nice recovery speed…A solid tackler who will support the run…Has a lot of experience…Hard worker with excellent intangibles…He could also contribute as both a kick and punt returner.
Weaknesses:
A tad undersized and lacks ideal bulk…Is not very instinctive…Timed speed is only average…Questionable hands and isn’t a playmaker…Has some technique issues that’ll need to be resolved…He’s not very physical in coverage…Limited ball skills.
Notes:
Was a three-year starter in the SEC…The type who’ll never be a star at the next level but could make a roster as a nickel or dime guy…Real value might come on special teams…Could be a pleasant late round surprise…Underrated coverman.
First off, what in the fuck does “fluid hips” mean? That sounds as queer as a tennis helmet. I didn’t think I was playing for the Rainbow Lions. No I will not make out with you Millen. Second, you said that I’m not a playmaker and that I’m not instinctive. Oh really? Well fuck your ass. I’ve got the instinct to know when I’ve been drafted by a guy who “snacks” at Barnhill’s Buffet. And I’ve got the playmaking ability to shiv you in the kidney if you disrespect me again.
So thanks again Detriot, I can’t wait to get to your dumbass shitty town.
Sincerely,
Ramzee Robinson aka Mr. Relevant to your fucking safety Matt Millen
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