Update July 16, 2007…Demps to rejoin the depleted Gator Defense [Link]
Update as of July 6th, Where have they all gone????Herban??? [link]
UPDATE JULY 2, 2007 – Gator Site hacked and Herban the Dicsiplinarian deals it out on Brandon [Top 1% of 1%]. Go Gators!!!
Just the other day, I noticed that Larry Brown Sports [link] had ranked the Cincinnati Bengals arrests from best to worst. I thought that it was criminal that the NFL’s most prolific criminal enterprise get all of the headlines.
I believed that the Florida Gators have earned some glory too. So, I asked Larry Brown if he cared if we ranked the Gators criminal enterprise like he had ranked the Bengals. He said, “just send me the link to the post”.
I tried to make a top 10, from best to worst or is it worst to best (I got confused)…. But there were so many heinous crimes/assaults/stabbings/shootings and theft that I had to list some evil-doing as honorable mention. Like the “Its good to be Chris Rainey” recruitment or the mysterious throat slashing keg stealer.
And yes Canes and Noles, I know that some of the lesser crimes just did not make this list. I was tired of researching and writing.
Here are my top 10:
1. After Jarvis “Puffy” Moss jumped up (Ganja increased his vertical by 18″) and salvaged the croc’s season against the Gamecocks by blocking a last second field goal attempt, it was revealed he to also failed a drug test during the summer as the clock ticked to zero. Guess what game he missed? The showdown between top ranked UF versus division 1AA Western Carolina.
2. Gator great, Marcus “Medicinal Puff” Thomas – a multiple drug test failure, pot and GHB. Gator fans tried to convince us all it was from the same test… then the truth came out, near the end of the season with his dismissal from the team. Moss and Thomas were both drafted by the Broncos. WTF was Shanahan thinking?
3. Baby Momma Slappin Avery Atkins. The alleged victim, Benerah Sanford, told police: She and Atkins argued Saturday on a drive to Atkins’ grandmother’s house. Atkins leaned over and punched her at least 13 times, and pushed her face against the car’s window while he conversed with relatives. Every time Sanford tried to exit the car, Atkins either punched her or stepped on the gas. When the pair finally arrived at Atkins’ home, she ran off and called the police.
Earlier this month, Atkins was found in a car in Daytona Beach with weed, gun and digital scales. To top it off, it was not his car. He had enrolled in UF in January with plans to “fight his way back to the cornerback slot.”
4. Brandon James a football player and Brandon Powell who coincidently is the basketball player who sucker punched the Vandy student in the back of the head [link], were found together in Gainesville with…. you guessed it: marijuana in the car during an undercover “buy bust”. One felony and one misdemeanor — purchase of a controlled substance and possession of >20 grams of marijuana — suspended indefinitely.
5. WR Riley Cooper smashed a windshield, welcome the perfect gater. And just who is Jasim Alidina? Adlina was the victim of Freshman Riley Cooper’s flailing haymaker through his car window. While Alidina survived the incident, remarkably unscathed, neither Cooper nor the car were as lucky. Cooper was taken to the Morton Plant Hospital.
6. Florida defensive back Dorian Munroe charged with felony for removal of parking boot and placing it in his trunk. This was later ironed out as expected as UF is thin at the corner. One felony — theft of a police metal parking boot from his car
7. At Da Club, Ronnie “The Rifleman†Wilson slaps some guy, then spits on him, then ends it by shooting at him, luckily police actually stepped in one time before he killed that guy. two felonies and one misdemeanor — gun in a parking lot near campus — suspended indefinitely
8. LB Dusty “Rhodes” Doe, pummels some dude (ala Channing the Chainsaw Crowder) in a Alaucha County vs. Pasco County gang fight (Reds vs. Crips style). Punishment? No suspension from Meyer. Doe to face the (Jaws intro theme) Leadership Committee. one misdemeanor — disorderly conduct for parking garage brawl
9. The 7-Man shower Self shooting gun incident, Gator players led by Dee Webb, Andre “Bubba” Caldwell and Reggie Lewis had a $60,000 SUV loaded with improperly registered AK’s and other machine guns… and they were all drunk while shooting at apartment windows for fun. Of course initially nobody took the blame and they all said they were in the shower (together) and that the gun must have shot itself… Gators went with the deniable plausibility angle when Dee Webb shot off his arsenal saying he had already declared for the draft, so he was no longer a Gator.
T10. Dallas “Bike Taker” Baker, steals a bike, but when cops questioned him, Dallas said, “heck man, I just thought the bike was ‘abandoned’”. The sophomore was issued a sworn complaint from UPD as an officer stopped Baker near Ben Hill Griffin Stadium (which is a great place to take a deuce). Baker said he was late for an appointment and picked up an abandoned bicycle. Misdemeanor!!!
T10. Linebacker Taurean Charles. A UF student said Charles touched her against her will, the sworn complaint issued by the university police department said. Charles allegedly slammed her on the bed and onto a computer desk, picked her up over his head and threw her down on her roommate’s bed, according to the complaint. Charles was later dismissed from the Florida team.
Who is worse? Florida or Montana? [link]
Honorable Mention
Nyan (Cap’n Stabbin) Boateng gets into a heated arguement with some chick, a knife fight breaks out, Nyan Dogg ends up bloodied on the floor, luckily he was still alive.
“Nyan has some issues he is dealing with, and in the meantime, he will not participate in any team activities,” Florida spokesman Steve McClain said.
WR Percy Harvin, the star of the 2006 recruiting class, is a guy who was banned from Virginia High School sports. Why? Because he slugged a ref and had been involved in numerous brawls.
Chris Rainey and other recruits brag about how many gifts and wads of cash advances they are getting from Gator Alumni/Boosters… Cash, Jewelry, and throwback jerseys. But he was just joking. Ha Ha Ha.
Joakim Noah swipes at Vandy cheerleader [link], and later confronts the Vandy coach! That will show her and him. They were gatorbait!
Two Gator linebackers Darryl Gresham Jr. and Jon Demps go up in smoke, Cheech and Chong style, suspended from team on National Signing Day. Suspension/dismissals free up crucial scholarships for incoming Blue Chip recruits. Linebacking now a concern.
The unknown 6’4″ 280 pounder. A University of Florida student claimed a Gator football player stole his beer keg from the back of his truck which was heavily damaged as his head hit it. The student had a knot on his head and his neck was slashed by a ring. This was reported to the police as per a story in the Florida Alligator. This story quickly vanished. The student got his keg back and continued scraping the paint out of the knot on his head (legend says that the student now has a full scholarship!!)
Ballhype – Former Gator Avery Atkins arrested again, this time for Crack…..
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