Milwaukee Bucks management and five of their twelve fans are pissed at prima donna draft pick Yi Jianlian, who failed to show up for the perfunctory post-draft press conference set up to introduce him. The 7-foot power forward from Shenzen, China has long indicated his desire to go to a team whose city has “a heavy Asian influence.”

In a tersely-worded statement, the Bucks said, “We got Chinese in spades. In fact, we have three halfway-decent Chinese restaurants within a one-mile radius of the Bradley Center-and they all deliver! Our personal favorite is the New Number One Chinese Restaurant at 770 North Jefferson. And if that’s not Asian enough for his highness, we got a new P.F. Chang’s at the Mayfair Mall. Maybe they’ll comp him on their Chang’s Chicken Lettuce Wraps.”

According to the 2005 U.S. Census Report, some 27,452 of Milwaukee County’s 915,000 residents are of the Asian persuasion, a fact not lost on the Bucks. “They’re more than just people, they’re more than just Costco shoppers. They’re potential season-ticket holders. We got plenty of room for all of ’em. Their children can wear his jersey. It could be the best-selling one we’ve had since our Brian Winter ’81 throwback.”

The statement continued, “What Yi needs to realize is, Milwaukee’s culture is based on three things: cheese, motorcycles and beer. And our women sure like their beer. Once he gets into town, all he has to do is go to any bar after nine and he can take home as many women as he wants.” 

“Unlike his homeland, over here, he’s not restricted to one child. We have lots of lonely women here; and they all like to drink. He can bareback as many of them as he wants. He’s young. He alone has enough testosterone to make our Chinese population grow to 3.5 percent. He has the power to make Wilt Chamberlain look down from heaven and say, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!”  

The statement went on to say that, “Bottom line: just because we don’t have many Aussies didn’t stop Andrew Bogut from coming here. And a lack of Pacific Islanders didn’t stop Dan Gadzuric from coming here from The Netherlands…Yi needs to change his pad.”

A spokesman for Jianlian declined comment, saying he was too busy “buying U.S. Treasury Bills and working out for other teams” and “couldn’t be bothered with such begging from a bunch of pot-bellied capitalist pigs.”