CONEY ISLAND, New York

In a riveting performance that could make even an airheaded model wince (see photo), Joey “Man or Gastroman?” Chestnut outdistanced defending champion Kobayashi by three hot dogs to win this year’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Competition.

But before he returns to his native San Jose, Chestnut, 24, has one other thing to worry about: the giant dump he’s mere days away from taking.

“Last year, it was bad. So bad. I was on a United flight back to San Francisco, and somewhere over Kansas, my colon started going into labor.  My sphincter was breeching. Unfortunately, the in-flight movie, “Air Bud 7,” had just finished up and there was a big line to the restrooms.

“When I finally sat down, it was sweet, sweet relief. After about the tenth mercy flush, the plane started bucking back and forth and we had to make an emergency landing in Denver. Dude, I was so embarrassed.”

On the ground in Denver, FAA inspectors found that a 17 foot-long contiguous turd weighing in at just over 28 pounds had clogged the Boeing 727’s septic system. They concluded that Chestnut’s poo, which was lovingly preserved by a local taxidermist and now hangs in the United Airlines terminal for posterity, created a vacuum seal which threw off the plane’s telemetry, thus giving the pilots no choice but to make an emergency landing.

Chestnut was unsure of what he was going to do next. “I think I’m set to go on “Today” show and teach Matt Lauer how to ignore his gag reflex once and for all,” he said.