We here at LWS are Message Board Ninjas. We are beloved everywhere we post. Others are helplessly drawn to the depth of our knowledge and the sharpness of our wit.

But we have learned that many who populate the numerous Boards found on the information superhighway are not as skilled as ourselves. We understand that some have anxiety about posting. So we here at LWS, in an attempt to better our Board brothers, are giving our secrets to you. After years of experience, and thousands of posts, we know how to make you fitter, happier, more productive – on internet message boards.

In order to be a better poster, you have to fully comprehend the hierarchy of poster status. So, for your convenience, we have ranked the poster personality types from least to most respected. If you find yourself in the first few of these, immediately adjust your style. Your goal should be to emulate the #1 poster type. If you follow these easy instructions, you too can become the ultimate sports board master, the most respected man on your site. Eventually, with enough followers, you can transcend your mundane position as just another internet fan; you can be worshipped by the Jock Sniffer Sniffers (JSS’s).

Having JSS’s under your power represents the zenith of Board status and prestige. A JSS will sniff your jock solely because he thinks you are in the enviable position of sniffing the jocks of those athletes and coaches who are celebrated in our e-communities. And, as you will see, you don’t need inside sources, any appreciable sports knowledge, or even a mastery of the English language to bring yourself out of the bottom of the virtua-barrel.

So, without further ado, LWS presents the definitive Sports Board Poster Rankings, current as of July 2007.

(#13) Laguna Beach aka The Exclamation Point. Laguna Beach is almost always one of three things – a teenager, a girl, or gay. There are certainly shared traits – excessive optimism, lack of depth, brevity of discussion – but you can spot the subtle differences with a keen eye. Teenagers have horrible grammar and spelling. Girls use phrases like “OMG”, “whatev”, and “I’m on my period” (a dead giveaway). Gays frequently ask for shirtless pics taken during 7 on 7 drills. But one thing unites this group – the incessant use of the exclamation point.

There are times when the exclamation point can be used appropriately. The following, however, is always improper: “OMG [insert team name] is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!”. It sends a distinct message: I am an idiot, I watch a ton of MTV, and I’m screaming it AS LOUD AS I CAN. (Also note that lengthy caps-lock posts are similarly frowned upon).

Such use immediately demotes the poster. Its use also increases the risk of contracting frosted tips and orange tans. So, if you share these posting traits, and you are a teenager, wait until college to join the discussion. If you are a girl, counter your annoying text message posting style with semi-nude pictures of yourself (automatically bumps you to top status, also may attract the E-Stalker, a subset of Jock Washer, detailed below). And if you are gay, join a gardening board. If none of the three, tighten up your posting, and watch your respect level climb.

(#12) Al Heimerz aka Crazy Old Man. This poster is self-explanatory. Al Heimerz is a 114 year old man who was given a computer by his great-granddaughter in the summer of ‘97. You are amazed that he knows how to use the Internet at all. He has been watching his favorite team since the turn of the previous century. He hasn’t missed a home game since Pearl Harbor. He shares stories of the old greats, back when the sport was played “how it was meant to be”.

But Al Heimerz’s singular trait is his inability to post a thought relevant to the discussion. When reading his posts, you find words that demonstrate that he is at least talking about your team (in our case, we see the words “Vols”, “TN” and “Johnny Majors”) but nothing else approaches a rational thought. Al Heimerz is frequently ridiculed by Laguna Beach and Michael Scott, but he is largely ignored, making him the clear second-worst poster type.

(#11) Montezuma’s E-Revenge aka Diarrhea Mouth. Very simple poster you should never try to emulate. Montezuma has 112,728 career posts. Yet he only joined the Board eight months ago. He only has two posts – “yep” and ”nope”. His singular purpose is simply to tell you and everyone else whether he agrees with what you just said. Montezuma is also marked by posting whatever comes to his mind, as if the Board is simply an extension of his unconscious (example – “my shoulder itches”).  Montezuma is hated by everyone.

(#10) Jesse Sharpton aka Angry Race Guy. Jesse Sharpton only likes discussing one thing – skin color. Obviously, Jesse Sharpton is an African-American, usually in his 30’s. Beware of Jesse Sharpton; even though you may consider yourself a clear non-racist, by the end of a lengthy discussion with Jesse, you may openly question whether you are indeed a “hater”.

The essence of Jesse’s posts can be summed up as follows – “Bruh, you don’t understand these players, you don’t understand where these kids come from or what their life is like. But I do. Even though my father was a dentist, and I was raised upper-middle class next door to the Huxtables.” Jesse’s primary rival is Jock Washer and Ludes, whose negativity and criticism frequently make Jesse think that they simply despise black folks.

(#9) Dada aka the Post-Modern Poster. This poster may at first seem difficult to categorize. But the overarching theme behind Dada’s posts is very post-modern – he only discusses the Board itself. Dada’s work always concerns the following: how much he loved the old Board, how much he hates the new Board, suggestions for improving the Board, suggestions for improving other posters, etc… He never, ever, posts anything on-topic, although, ironically, the Board’s inability to stay on-topic is one of Dada’s primary concerns. Frequently, of Dada’s 1472 posts, 1468 concern Michael Scott’s refusal to actually discuss anything sports related.

(#8) Michael Scott aka Mr. Bad Comedy. There are several Michaels on any Board, and they are very easy to spot. Michael only posts things that he thinks are funny. But he is not funny. Quoting Old School for the third time in a thread concerning changes to the coaching staff is not and never has been funny.

But, as if heading a management meeting at Dunder Mifflin, Michael fearlessly charges on. He is undeterred by Dada’s stalking. He is resilient in the face of insults lobbed by Jock Washer’s Worst Nightmare. He fearlessly calls Jesse Sharpton a “motor-boating son of a bitch”. Michael’s biggest enemy is everyone except the other Michael Scotts on the Board, and they are the posters most likely to hijack your thread.

(#7) Martin Luther aka Essay Writer. Like nailing an edict to the church door, Martin Luther spreads his gospel on any thread he can find. While the substance of Martin Luther’s posts may vary widely from Board to Board, the execution is always the same: a 14 paragraph-long diatribe that is both irrelevant to the thread itself and unread by 99% of the Board’s members.

Martin Luther frequently has exhaustive discussions with other Martin Luthers on your Board, and the sheer magnitude and length of their rants, coupled with the fact that they are the only two participating in the thread, makes you wonder why they don’t just use the telephone. If you open a thread that begins with “My take on…” and the page is still loading thirty seconds after you’ve clicked on it, immediately back up and register that poster as a Martin Luther. Martin Luther’s natural enemy is Jock Washer’s Worst Nightmare (“JWWN”), largely because JWWN is functionally illiterate.

(#6) MDMA and Ludes aka Hyper-Optimism/Pessimism. Should be clear enough. MDMA, on a perpetual sports high, feels like his team will win a championship every year. Ludes feels like any level of success achieved is simply smoke and mirrors hiding the ineptitude of the current staff and roster. Lose all 22 starters? On probation? Or maybe you’re Ole Miss? MDMA is screaming BCS. Go undefeated and maul your opponent in your bowl game? Ludes will claim that the loss of talent next year will bring about an 0-12 record. These two despise each other. And as the yin and yang of the sports forum, nearly everyone has picked who they gravitate toward. They are an indispensable dynamic on the Boards.

(#5) Stu Scott aka Mr. Sports Cliche. Stu Scott makes up the majority of the members of your Board. He reads just enough to enable him to regurgitate the facts and opinions of others. He is the one that always picks the favorite in any specific game, unless of course it has become uniformly trendy to pick the underdog. He is the one who says things like ”Conference X lacks overall speed” or “School Y cheats” even though he has no actual information to support his opinions. He also loves ESPN (we should note, however, that the conspiracy theory concerning ESPN’s agenda to belittle your respective team is gaining enough popularity that Stu Scotts throughout the country have started claiming it as their own idea).

The most frustrating trait about Stu is that he is right more than he is wrong. This is because he takes positions that require absolutely no analytical thought or risk to his reputation. Stu will constantly remind you, for example, that he told the Board that Florida would repeat as NCAA basketball champions “before the season even started.” This boasting will continue incessantly even though that prediction was uniformly agreed upon by nearly everyone. This sort of false confidence makes Stu the most irritating poster to deal with, as his sense of self-perception cannot be belittled by anyone below him in e-status. Stu’s natural enemy is Jock Washer, who lives only to debunk popular sports “myths”.

(#4) Jock Washer aka Sports Dork. Jock Washer always dreamed of being a great athlete. His childhood was filled with sports memorabilia and trips to the stadium. He saw his first game when he was an 11 week-old fetus in his mother’s womb (she was thrown out of that game for boozing). And, if it weren’t for his 34% body fat and mild case of scoliosis, he would have seen that dream to fruition.

Jock Washer vicariously filled his desires through the athletes he watched. He was, of course, the team trainer and manager in high school. His head still gets dizzy when he thinks of the smell of the football laundry room immediately post-two-a-days.

Jock Washer despises all mainstream sports coverage. He insults those who read the work of SI’s ”Notre Dame fanboys” and destroys those who are concerned with ESPN’s recent rankings. He therefore disagrees with everything Stu Scott posts, both literally and philosophically. He counters Stu’s simplistic banter with posts dripping in detail and minutiae. He is also frequently considered the recruiting “guru” of the Board, and he likely knows the 40 times of every 9th grade prospect in West Virginia (and will argue with you about these times if he feels they were “wind-aided”). His natural enemy is the aptly named Jock Washer’s Worst Nightmare.

(#3) Jock Washer’s Worst Nightmare aka Former Mediocre Athlete. JWWN is easy to spot because he is constantly telling you that he is/was good at sports. You may have been provided a list of his accolades. 15 times. And in keeping with the stereotype, JWWN is also a simpleton. He uses poor English, has a shallow depth of thought, and contributes little to the Board outside of insulting people in the most juvenile language possible. His hatred for Jock Washer is painfully obvious, as he enjoys accusing him of secretly wanting to molest the starting QB. He has no outspoken enemies on the Board; his real life enemies include success and reading.

(#2) Deep Throat aka Inside Source. Deep Throat claims to have an inside source – an athlete, a coach, or an athletic department contact. Sometimes Deep Throat’s source is literally the accountant of the assistant to the NCAA Compliance Director. There is really no limit to what can be categorized as a “source”.

Deep Throat is also propelled by the desire to leak information before anyone else. This impulse makes him reckless; he nearly always construes more from his information than he was actually provided, or, more frequently, simply makes things up. This is especially obvious in an e-battle for prestige between two Deep Throats; one will usually attempt to win the fight with a ridiculously specific prediction based on info he “heard”, followed by an even more ridiculous consequence should the prediction not prove correct (example – “I’m telling you, Fulmer is set to be fired during the 3rd quarter of the Southern Miss game, it’s already been decided, if this doesn’t happen I’ll start a career in pornography”).

Deep Throat is a highly respected poster solely due to the Board’s hope that he does indeed have the info he claims. His actual record of being wholly non-credible has surprisingly little effect on his status. His only enemy is the #1 poster type, a predator with no remorse.

(#1) Ambiguous Rex aka King of the Boards. Yes, Ambiguous Rex is king. He is who you want to emulate. He actively tends the Jock Sniffer Sniffer flocks. And the secret to his success? Shocking simple, yet tightly orchestrated. His work is the proper blend of Deep Throat’s alleged sources and beautiful, stark, scathing ambiguity. That’s right. The key to message board respect is saying nothing at all.

This may sound counter-intuitive at first, but with a little explanation, we think you’ll see the genius. While Jock Washers and Deep Throats clamber for respect, Ambiguous Rex lays in the weeds, waiting to strike. He methodically seeks his prey.

An opportunity arises – a suspension has been announced. MDMA and Ludes go to work with their agendas. Jesse Sharpton alleges racial profiling. Michael Scott quotes EDSBS. But what does Rex do? He posts the following:

“Was told about this last week. Troubling, and more to the incident than reported.”

Does someone take the bait? Can you see the genius? Jock Washer bites:

“Who told you? And if you knew, why didn’t you post it?”

Rex: “Was told not to repeat it. Coaches keep a lot in house, there’s a lot of things that we don’t hear about.”

Simple, cunning, crushingly effective. All the upside of Deep Throat, without any of the risk. So, lesson one: always talk about your sources ad hoc. Never make a prediction until after the event has occurred. Validate it post-incident, and the flocks will come to you.

Which leads to lesson #2: never answer a question directly or state anything concretely. It will infuriate some, yes, but the majority will be bewildered by your presence. Example:

Ludes: “I think Player X played like total dog shit last game.”

Rex: “Can’t say that with any degree of certainty. Can’t know how a player played without knowing the coaches’ schemes. Only way to know whether a player performed poorly is to know the plays called and the packages put in. Just can’t know either way. Coaches frequently have schemes that can confuse us, we don’t know whether he played well or not.”

Say this even if Player X had 34 fumbles in the game. The more ridiculous your position, the more the flock will find you mystifying. You are one of them, yet you are not. You are a mystery wrapped inside a chalupa. The Board will think that you sniff the jock of some unknown hero, and it excites them like only an autograph session at the local Denny’s can do.

So, in closing, follow the LWS plan for Board Supremacy, and in no time at all your jock will be sniffed as if you were Tim Tebow’s girlfriend’s hairdresser’s husband – a position in which we all dream of finding ourselves.