I had the rare chance to conduct a candid interview with David Cutcliffe, Offensive Coordinator for the University of Tennessee. Coach Cutcliffe is in his second year after returning to Knoxville after leading the University of Mississippi to several winning seasons and a Cotton Bowl Trip. He really seems to be over being treated like a piece of trash by Ole Miss. The interview takes place in at Calhounes on the famous Knoxville Strip. I will admit that this interview was a dream come true for me.

JAI: I am here “No huddling” something fierce with Coach David Cutcliffe, the guy who says he’s the master of University of Tennessee Volunteer Offense, though didn’t bring any proof to the effect. Coach, thanks for making time in your busy schedule to meet with us.

CDC: No problem, and please, call me Coach. Phillip said I had to do this interview, so don’t plan on Shawshanking your way into my ‘balloon knot’.

JAI: O…kay… Coach, if you could go back in time and bitchslap just one person, who would it be?

CDC: Wow, there are so many great former players and coaches to choose from, but I’d have to go with Randy Sanders. He took a perfectly good offense to the verge-of-extinction like a Pterodactyl, you know like when it’s all weak and couldn’t beak me to death. That would be a really cool slap.

JAI: If you could fall out of any building, which one would it be?

CDC: Fall out of a building? That’s odd, okay, um… Moe’s Tavern in Smut-Eye Alabama, that’s a nice short one. Besides, if I did, odds are I’d be all blotto and not even know it.

JAI: Along those lines, if you were a cartoon character on Scooby-Doo, which one would you be?

I don’t think that I am successful enough to be Freddy or Daphne, not pious enough to be Velma. I’ve rebounded too well to be Shaggie. I’m pretty infamous but I think I’ve got just enough subtle spirit and toxic radiation poisoning to be Scooby.

JAI: What’s the smallest thing you’ve ever stolen?

CDC: Stolen, sheesh man, trying to get me busted here? It wasn’t exactly stealing but I once borrowed all of the “O’s” off of all of the Ole Miss Athletic Department computer keyboards. Pete Boone the Ole Miss AD fired me after resurrecting that crappy program. The worst part was getting replaced by whats his name. Ole Miss treated me like a tattered windsock. Yeah, to hell with them, I got the last laugh, me and my Os, didn’t I?

Listen, I know that Ed has not won a lot of games. I think that I know why. Behind every great man, there’s a great woman, rubbing her tits on his back. And in front of every great woman, is a pair of tits. Two of ‘em. Two happy tits. Tits are everywhere, and yet certain cranky people like Pete Boone try to keep them locked up out of sight. Ed doesn’t have those tits to help him be successful. Find him some tits and Ole Miss might win the egg bowl.

JAI: Ainge or Crompton?

CDC: Depends what time the game started. Crompton is alright for going through to sunset, but for going out dancing that Ainge is the best bet for the rising sun. Ainge reminds me of that James Van der Beek kid from Varsity Blues. A freaking leader.

JAI:In a perfect world, what time would your Kick-off start?

CDC: In my ideal world there would be a daylight savings-style one hour time shift about twice a week. This week I’d love to get up each day around ten, but next week should be eleven or noon, and probably within about six months I think I could get back around full circle jerk to getting up at ten AM again. It sounds like madness even to me, but at least it’s my own sort of madness.

JAI: When was the last time you were stranded somewhere and for how long?

CDC: It was terrible. I went to Neyland Stadium about three months ago. Came back out to the car to go home and it wouldn’t start. I didn’t have my phone on me and I was stuck. I waited four hours sitting in that stupid car drinking all the beer I’d just bought before I finally gave up. It wouldn’t start anyhow so I got out and walked all the way home. Must have taken me about twelve minutes.

JAI: What College Coach has had the greatest influence on you?

CDC: I’d have to go with Lou Holtz. He has taken his failure as football coach and twisted it into fame and fortune. ESPN keeps him in a cage in South Bend. Only lets him out with that metrosexual Chris Fowler. Do you remember when they replaced Craig James with Herbie? Those were great days, we had Trev Alberts spewing venom, the stuff that would burn your eyes kinda like staring into the sun to long…now we just that rotting and talking corpse Lou Holtz

JAI:If you could take just one thing with you to be stuck on a deserted island, what would it be?

CDC:Assuming I can be rescued it would be a satellite phone, because, you know, kinda want to get off the island at some point, right? If I’m to assume that rescue isn’t an option, gosh it’s a toss up between Eli and Peyton Manning, though my knee-jerk reaction is to say Peyton. Why, do you think you could hook that up?

JAI:What do you think of these interview questions?

CDC:Well, at least you didn’t make a move on me . I was a little nervous about that. Honestly? I think they’re hard questions, but I think if they weren’t hard there wouldn’t be any fun in answering them. Honestly I hate interviews because it feels like a challenge of who’s dumber and more trite. Like “Hey, let me ask you the most predictable question ever so you can give me the most rehearsed and predictable answer ever, how delightful!” I just hope that I project an innate confidence, sense of style and penchant for the finer things in life are qualities i find alluring .. as well as a wild imagination, a deviant streak and impressive intelligence that won a shit load of games at Ole Miss.

JAI: Boxers or briefs?

CDC: Oh man, I’m all commando today, gotta let the boys breathe. Normally it’s boxers but asking me to show up somewhere and have underwear on at the same time frankly asking a bit too much, don’t you think?

JAI: Thanks for your time Coach, good luck with Cal

CDC:Thanks Jai. Can I say that if you are a chick, send me a picture of your tits (in care of: loserwithsocks@gmail.com)Thanks in advance. You’re wonderful! Be Proud!