OK Vawls. I know what you’re thinking. “I’m gonna cruise on down to Gunsville, now. Watch a little of that thar football – get ornery with some of them thar Gator fans and get myself into some of those Lady Gator britches.” Now fellas, pulling SEC Poon is a tradition in our conference – just check out the variety. If you’re going to descend on the stampede of Poon that is Gainesville, you must take with you some rules of engagement. Call it a Gentlemen’s Poon Agreement.
First – don’t go here.
Or Here:
You can’t even sniff Gator Poon of this magnitude. None of us can. Set your sights lower. Don’t get me wrong – there’ll be plenty of these floating around and please, enjoy them as you see them, it’s one of the great pleasures of Gainesville. As soon as one walks by that makes you say quietly to yourself: “Yeah, I’d be willing to hit myself right in the face with a rusty hatchet in order to crawl all over her for two minutes,” another one will walk by, only hotter. Keep your eye on the ball — Vawls. Don’t waste your time here. This kinda stuff is reserved for Tebow and Tebow only. No one shall even dip their toe into this gene pool. You wouldn’t try that shit in Knoxville with the Cromptonettes, would you?
And don’t sell yourself short and go straight for these:
Resist the temptation to revert to your ‘ole Vawl tactics and start working on these as soon as you get into town – you’re not it Knoxville anymore, Cleedus. Well, if it is last call and you’re leaving the next day — No, don’t do it. They’ll be plenty of time for this when you get home. Better to strike out swinging then to hit a slow dribbler to third and beat out the throw only to get thrown out in a 6-4-3 the next pitch.
This is your wheel house:
Remember Vawls, in order to pull Poon in the realm of the Gator, you must think as a Gator. Jorts are accepted there. I’m not saying wear them, nor am I condoning dawning them in a public setting. But if you can wrap your mind around the concept that shorts, formerly known as jeans, that are blue in colour, are as accepted as socks with sandals – then you’re on your way to Pulling Gator Poon. Also, keep this at the front of your mind when engaging in any conversations: we just won three championships over the past two years. With a Back-to-Back thrown somewhere in there. These ladies are going to be confident – so don’t be intimidated. Shit, those chicks are the baddestassmotherfuckers ever — right now. So be confident – but don’t try to out-argue them about storied programs or overall wining percentages or better bowl game records or any of that honeyfogle. You might also think that mentioning women’s basketball will get you in there and show that you’re “down with Title IX,” not even the lesbians at UF care about women’s sports. All Gator Poon, and SEC Poon for that matter, want to do after the game is get drunk and have fun -=- and you can be part of that, Vawls. These girls are also smart, so don’t try to wow them or impress them – 99.9 percent of them will think General Neyland is a guy on leave from Iraq.
So let’s recap:
You’re probably smart (and by smart I mean you can navigate your way down to Gainesville while operating a motor vehicle). Shit, making Meth is kinda like chemistry, right?
You like to drink.
And, you like to laugh and have a good time.
Yup, you’re qualified to partake of the Poon Plethora that is Gainesville. So Vawls — don’t bring your weak, backwoods sippin moonshine game here.
And don’t do replicate anything you spied on that choad-laden VH1 show “The Pick-Up Artist.” The only Mystery about that guy is how he gets laid. Ever.
Represent and make your school proud. You may ask why a hated rival like myself is opening up Poondora’s Box for a sworn enemy like you whelps. Hey, football is like air and Poon is like water. When it comes to football, all you fuckers can huff on some mustard gas and drown in your precious bodily fluids as far as I’m concerned. But if you’re respectful, there’s plenty of Poon for all. Every man — even a sworn enemy, is entitled to his share of Poon, and its our duty as men to help each other. As much as I hate to admit it, you guys are SEC brethren. And, last time I was in Knoxville I had a blast. Lady Vawls. Whew. Love ’em. So happy hunting, Vawls. And Go Gators! Oh, and bring protection. Unless you like rashes. And that’s fine too.
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