As the end of the year approaches, we here at LWS, in our continuing mission to improve the sports community, polled tens of sports fans in order to determine what changes needed to be made in the universe of sports in 2008.  The following represent the top 3 selections, ranked in order of bunkness:

(3) FOX Sports’ Robot Motif

(A true story) – In the 1990’s, FOX decided to move into the sports world with MLB coverage and NFL games.  Completely oblivious as to how to produce a sports event, executives hired Todd Herman, Boston sports producer and dork.  Little did the Suits know, however, that Todd had no idea what he was doing. 

Upon his hiring, Todd purchased Microsoft’s Windows TV Production 1.2 from OfficeMax.  He booted the floppys into his PC and began the tutorial.  At one point, he was faced with a question that has altered the sports world for more than a decade: “Choose your TV production theme: Puppies, Ocean Dreams, Fiesta, Pasta Party, Robot”.  And history was made.

FOX’s Robot Theme is so obnoxious that Oregon’s Uniform shields its eyes.  It is so obnoxious that Dick Vitale turns the volume down.  It is so obnoxious that Terrell Owens uses it as a border on his Christmas cards. 

This is what happens on a typical Sunday morning.  It’s 2nd and 8 in the 1st quarter.  Brett Favre throws a pedestrian first down to the middle of the field.  At this moment, CBS/ESPN/NBC (lame-os) would simply change their display to read “1st and 10”.  But not Fox.  Hell fuckin no, not Fox.  When Ed Hochuli claps his hands together, squeezing his traps as hard as he can, and signals first down, flexing the supple bicep in his right arm, all hell breaks loose.

A robot runs in from the corner of the screen, high-stepping like Deion Sanders.  A missile laucher comes out of the robot’s chest, shooting a rocket shaped like a silver football into the center of the field.  The missile detonates, leaving a gaping hole in the grass.  Out of the hole in the grass comes a gigantic spaceship that hovers over the field, highlighting the the two players responsible for the first down – Favre and TE David Martin – in a force field, lifting them into the air using digital animation.  Favre and Martin give each other high fives while the robot continues high-stepping behind them, stupidly spiking another football missile and blowing up the entire screen.  The spaceship then shoots a laser drawing the yellow down marker across the field and flies off over the heads of the fans packed into Lambeau.  1st down Packers.  It is an acid nightmare.

My little brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus (credit – Galifianakis).  He gets so distracted by these histrionics that he frequently thinks he’s watching Star Wars.  The other day, we were watching The Return of the Jedi together.  When the Death Star blew up, my brother turned to me and said “I don’t think he had both feet in.”

Hopefully, Windows TV Production 2.3 will have more theme options available, and Fox can move in a new artistic direction.  Until then, I will continue to have seizures when accidentally turning on FOX’s NASCAR coverage.  Personally, I think Todd should have gone with Pasta Party.

(2) Hockey Highlights on Sportcenter

No one watches hockey.  This is an indisputable fact.  Hockey used to be a part of our sports fabric, but it is not anymore.  It is no longer relevant.  Throughout human history, there has always come a time when archaic traditions and interests are disposed of and discarded for the new, the exciting, the progressive.  Call it Social Darwinism.  And right now, hockey is a seven-legged sloth with a penis that folds in on itself when erect.  Hockey should be aborted by its parents, Sir Edmond Lacrosse and Ms. Trixie Ice-Skating (a total whore). 

Sportcenter anchors can’t even fake enjoying hockey highlights anymore.  They read the names with abject disinterest – “Kereshinko with the goal.  Neat play.”  ESPN is serving no one with this tripe.  In fact, it is well documented that poker is more popular than hockey, yet you don’t see highlights for that “sport” (“Matusow with the fold – Booyah!”).  Hell, even bowling is outperforming the frozen game. 

So this is a call for ESPN to begin treating hockey like you treat all of sports’ other secondary citizens, like obscure college games, lumberjacking, track and field, cycling, and women’s sports – please just show us highlights of the championship game.  There are better things you can do with the timeslot.  Surely Salisbury can breakdown the best backup left tackles in the NFC South. Surely Lou Holtz can talk about his glorydays of 0-11.  Surely Stu Scott can continue to push the envelope of limp-dick-ness. 

Anything but rolling the lastest Szerkishivertz assist.

(1) HD Porn

I know that this is not a sports topic, but this is, or should be, the most pressing issue among men in America today.  As Blu-ray and HD-DVD wage epic battles over the billion dollar industry, I think it’s time to take a step back and ask the following – is this what we really want?

Think about it.  If you are from my generation, you were raised on old VHS porn.  Frequently, these were copies made from someone else’s VHS porn.  As we all know, these copies progressively worsened, even to the point where only one scene on the entire tape actually worked.  We would hammer the tracking button, sure, but all we would get would be blurry stillshots of random genitalia coupled with the following soundtrack – “(moan) – bzzzzzz – “yeah put it …” – grrrrzzzz – (moan) – blaaaaaaazzzzzz”.  Some of you may have even stooped to the level of watching unscrambled PPV just to catch a sweet boob shot.  (I won’t even touch on the earlier years.  I can’t imagine the difficulty of loading porn onto a projector.  Kudos to you guys – the greatest generation). 

These pitfalls and tribulations served to create a certain beauty and mystery in the porn world.  The effort made the reward more satisfying.  Everyone had their “best tape” – and generally that simply meant that it worked reasonably well. 

The asthetics of the product were also better.  Underneath decaying analog tape, porn stars were hot.  Their bodies were perfect.  Their performances nuanced.  Everything worked.  If you haven’t figured it out, however, there is a reason why strip clubs are dark.

Porn stars are ugly.  Frequenty they are riddled with pimples and moles and track marks.  Their indulgent lifestyle creates a certain haggard look that is not exactly compatible with the nubile desires of most men (unless you are into that – if so, check out haggardsnatch.com).  Call me crazy, but I bet Savannah didn’t look so great with her wig off. 

But now we have HD-DVD.  Now we have high definition cameras.  Now we have 60″ flat panels.  But where will that leave us?  Here’s where – while playing a Blu-ray porn on my plasma, I will be able to count the crabs in Jenna Jamison’s ah-noose.  I will be able to see that deep thigh bruise on Kristi Kumming’s leg after her boyfriend hit her with an ironing board.  I will be able to witness that one zit that Cheryl Choker’s makeup artist missed.   I will see just how hideous these women are.

And that upsets me.  So for 2008, let’s take porn back to how it used to be – when you could barely see it.