In response to recent criticism surrounding Kansas head football coach Mark Mangino, Athletic Director Lew Perkins has decided to open up the job to a small but weighty list of candidates.
“The University of Kansas has always valued dedication, character and morbid obesity,” said Perkins. “In that spirit, we believe that we may need to address recent developments concerning Coach Mangino’s treatment of players. We have determined that his behavior is simply not what embodies Rock Chalk Jayhawk pride. However, we think that Mark’s past success has earned him a chance to eat himself out of this situation. It’s with great excitement, then, that we are announcing that the position will be given to the candidate who can ingest the most Kansas-style BBQ in a one hour period.”
The list of candidates is a veritable who’s who among big-time coaches.
Charlie Weis, recently fired from Notre Dame, is an obvious choice, and he has shown interest in the position. “People assume that I am going to the NFL. Well not so fast. I have fallen in love with college life and the unfettered access to dorm cafeterias.”
Weis says that Mangino will have to scheme around him. “I am the fattest coach in the land, no doubt. Mark may not have a recognizable throat area, and I do appreciate his grotesquely short arms, but no one styles elasti-pants like I do. It’s been proven that I can store over 70,000 calories in my crotch gut. Rest assured that I will never be at a tactical disadvantage in an eating contest.”
Phillip Fulmer, the ex-Tennessee coach, says he is willing to participate even at a distinct size difference. “I have interviewed Kansas and feel that it’s a great fit for me. I know that I am not the ideal size. I am only moderately obese. I accept that. I am not in acute danger of death just walking down the sidelines, but I feel like I can still compete with Mark and Charlie and climb that mountain one more time.”
Fulmer notes that his system and family atmosphere define Kansas athletics. “First off, we were all about family at Tennessee. We didn’t cuss our guys or berate them. We made men out of them. And secondly, I may not be as fat as Mark, but I always had the collectively fattest and most-mustachioed staff. That’s gotta count for something.”
Also throwing his name in the ring is fat and old coach Bobby Bowden, who was wheelbarrowed out of Florida State today. “I like Kansas. I think we played them this year. Did we play them? I cook BBQ. I did some soul searching about it. There’s good talent at Kansas, and I love the color purple. It works out great.”
Mangino isn’t ready to concede yet. “Take a look at this face,” said Mangino. “Look at it motherf*($#r. I am a work of art. I am nothing short of elephantine.”
Do I look like I am ready to give up this position? It’s like I tell my players all the time – you have two options: give your all for Kansas today or go back to your crackhead momma and the dad you never knew and welfare tickets and bad gold teeth and 40’s in a bag and robbing convenience stores. It motivates the hell out of them, and it motivates me too. I am not going back to the streets of New Castle, Pennsylvania.”
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