A night of cold sweats, wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth.  The terror grows inside, the blackness spreading, climbing my spine like roaches on prison bars, the dark sickness penetrating not only my organs but my soul.

The University of Alabama is playing in the National Championship game.

That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? – Yeats

I feel not just an unsettling fear, but acute shame, disgust and sadness.  And I caution that you, gentle reader, should feel the same.  Admit that you took joy in Tebow’s golden tears.  Admit that you laughed as the warrior prince faltered, as Urban impotently prowled the sidelines.  Admit that you scoffed at another of Tebow’s sideline rants, as he implored his team to rally behind his Sword and Verse.

Admit that these visions gave you happiness.  Yet do you feel not the approaching demons?  Realize that you have been lulled to sleep, and only then can you feel the Leviathan stirring beneath the black sea.

“Tebow is just one Stormtrooper.  Bama is the evil empire.” – Chris “Fat” Howard

Alabama has won the SEC under coach Nick Saban.  The program turns its head to Pasadena, lumbering towards the sparkling crystal ball.  The Crimson Tide has runneth over the banks of the river, has stormed the castle, has slayed the Prince and has taken his throne.  Apocalypse is upon us.

“The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead man, and every living thing in the sea died.  The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood.” – Revelation 16:3-4

The Alabama Tide of Blood has returned to this land, scorching the Earth beneath it.  Led by Saban, whose name obviously references the Lord of Darkness, Alabama has destroyed the mighty SEC for the second year in a row.  Last year, our conference’s White Angel of War courageously held the hoard back in Atlanta with his Shield of Glory.  This year, the Paladin was slain.

We should mourn, not rejoice.  A blackness has settled upon the the conference and its stronghold in Birmingham.

For over 50 years, the Righteous have tried to stem the Tide, to keep its minions underground.  The battle has been lost.  Nothing has stopped Bama’s armies from marching.  No length of probation, no suspension or reprimand, no number of infractions documented, no incident of horrible disgrace has proven enough to keep Alabama down.  We are powerless to the darkness.

“The NCAA in responding to Alabama’s textbook appeal called Alabama a ‘serial repeat violator’ with an ‘abysmal infractions track record’ and an ‘extensive recent history of infractions cases unmatched by any other member institution in the NCAA.‘” – October 13, 2009

A brief history – the University of Alabama was once a decent God-fearing institution that played the game of football like men.  They shared both victories and defeats with class and good-nature, and enjoyed a fair amount of success.  The city of Tuscaloosa basked in green pastures, fair maidens and fertile cattle.  But dark forces began to congregate, demanding unreasonable expectations with sinful levels of greed and vanity.

It has never been established when the evil forces took over.  It is believed that members of the Bammer Order met atop the Denny Chimes Tower sometime in the early 1940’s.  Upset with direction of the program, and experienced in the dark arts, they sought to create the perfect coach and program.  Legend says that they invoked old magic, burning E.B. Beaumont’s playbook and James Nesbit’s jock, and melting the magical artifacts unearthed from the Ancient Bank of Persia – a never-ending checkbook, an endless fountain pen, and a limitless box of money.

From this ritual, the old guard created the Black Angel Ma’Galth; his given name was Paul “Bear” Bryant.  Carried by a cursed donkey impregnated with the semen of a long-haul trucker, Bryant was delivered by druids in the dark woods of Arkansas.  He was born a fully-developed man, full of anger and prodigious with the whistle and pen.  Raw in his abilities early on, he was sent North to learn from the ancient Black Masters at the University of Kentucky.  He prospered there, and after the Ears Witworth fiasco of 1955-57, the Order decided to implement their plan and bring their Archangel home.

“The Dark One will be born a man, and will wear the clothes of those who work the land.  He will flourish, but his fruit will spring from a River of Blood.” – Nostradamus, 1553

Since that time, Tuscaloosa has become the New Babylon.  Cheating, lying, masturbation, animal sacrifice, Houndstooth clothing, bad BBQ – all infest this once great city.  Bama has battled to permanently emerge from the shadows and stake their claim as the undisputed champion of football, but the Righteous have always been there, protecting us and shielding us from the Tide of Blood.  The current NCAA, misunderstood and unfairly maligned, was created solely to fight against the darkness.

For almost 30 years, the forces of good have kept the Bammers at bay, excepting of course the massacre of 1992.  Secretly, the NCAA has worked with the Wizards of the White to create sentient beings to fight the Bammers – Tim Tebow, Steve Spurrier, Tommy Tuberville, Freddie Kitchens, Mike Shula. Through the bravery of these men, Bama was limited in their success.

But Bama regrouped in the shadows of central Alabama and resurrected their new king.  Under the rule of Saban, said to be a 900-year-old undead necromancer, Bama seems to be unstoppable.  The NCAA is powerless, as Bama’s blatant cheating continues without punishment or pause.  And now the Prince of Good, the Bearer of  Light, the NCAA’s most powerful creation, is dead.  Mourn him.

I can see The Nothing as it approaches.  It has destroyed the Ivory Tower, and there is no luck dragon who will carry us to safety.

Repent – the End is Nigh.