ESPN has two Peters. REDACTED, a Tennessee Vols message board, had two threads.

One thread was about Kirk Herbstreit’s golden retriever.

The other thread was about Peter Burns praising Lane Kiffin and LSU like Baton Rouge had just cured polio.

They were separate emergencies.

Then somebody in the Burns thread asked, “Is that Kirk’s dog?”

And the wall came down.

Early returns favor the dog.

Burns started reasonably enough. Lane Kiffin had spent days poking at every angle of the LSU/NFL-player mess, looking for another body, another opening, another way to turn the waiver wire into a recruiting service.

Peter Burns finally told him to close up shop.

Stop chasing.

Stop getting distracted.

Lock in.

Perfectly defensible.

Then Peter kept typing.

Lane Kiffin, Burns wrote, is “the most powerful force in CFB.”

He has the keys to the greatest brand. LSU. Yup, LSU.

A war chest.

An incredible coaching staff.

The best fanbase in college sports.

A championship roster.

And then, after polishing every piece of silver in Baton Rouge, Burns finished with:

“Shut up and win.”

That is a hell of a journey.

Peter Burns basically wrote Lane Kiffin a Valentine, sprayed it with Drakkar Noir and ended it with a slap.

REDACTED did not get past the Valentine.

The Greatest Brand in College Football?

That phrase hit the board like a dead possum through a windshield.

CheckerboardGeneral79: “Greatest brand?”

Nothing else.

No rebuttal. No PowerPoint.

Just two words carrying the full weight of East Tennessee disbelief.

VolSince82 wanted to know when LSU had apparently passed Alabama, Ohio State, Notre Dame, Texas, Southern Cal and approximately six other brands while everybody was asleep.

GritsAndPeyton took a more clinical approach.

“This is slurping.”

Medical terminology had entered the thread. The posted gif took “slurping” somewhere considerably less clinical.

Another poster decided Burns must be an LSU graduate.

He is not.

This made it worse. Of course it did.

If you are going to build a shrine that elaborate, REDACTED would at least like to see an alumni sticker on the truck.

Then Somebody Asked About the Dog

And this is where two completely separate REDACTED Tennessee Vols message board threads finally collided.

Somewhere between Lane being declared the most powerful force in college football and LSU being crowned the sport’s greatest brand, somebody looked at Peter Burns and asked:

“Is that Kirk’s dog?”

Two threads. Two Peters. One Tennessee Vols message board. The dog won both.

Two Peters entered the Tennessee internet. One brought opinions about Lane Kiffin. One brought a tennis ball. REDACTED preferred the tennis ball.

Thirty posts of LSU worship, Lane Kiffin, roster construction, money, coaching staffs and the future of college football.

And one Tennessee fan would like to know whether this is the golden retriever.

This is why the message board remains undefeated.

OldVolFan: “Wrong Peter.”

TouchGrassGeneral: “I’d rather hear from the dog.”

Fair.

Peter the dog has never called LSU the greatest brand in college football.

Peter the dog has never declared Lane Kiffin the most powerful force in the sport.

Peter the dog has never spent a Sunday explaining war chests.

Peter the dog eats expensive food, wanders around GameDay and occasionally takes a dump that requires a production assistant.

There is dignity in knowing your lane.

The Part Burns Got Right

Underneath all the perfume, Burns had a point.

Lane Kiffin does not need another side quest.

He has a loaded roster, money, staff, expectations and a season sitting directly in front of him.

At some point you quit finding loopholes, quit checking the waiver wire and coach the football team you already have.

Burns could have said that in four sentences.

Instead he built Versailles and then told the king to get back to work.

Tennessee noticed.

Tennessee always notices.

Especially when LSU is involved.

---

Previously in the LSU Emergency

• Three LSU Threads. One Meltdown: REDACTED Sanctions LSU, Expels the Tigers and Starts Shopping for a Replacement
• UPDATE: Jack Pyburn Heads Back Toward LSU; Tennessee Discovers Principles Are Depth-Chart Dependent
• Seven-Page Message Board Meltdown: REDACTED Fires Greg Sankey, Expels LSU and Blames Lane Kiffin
• Tennessee Internet Demands LSU Be Removed From SEC; FinCEN Standing By
• LSU Gets an NFL Tight End. Tennessee Gets Two Games for Flying Coach.

For now, the LSU emergency continues.

Lane has the war chest.

Burns has the shrine.

And Tennessee would still like the other Peter.