Kirk Herbstreit brought Peter to football.

Peter is a golden retriever.

This should have been the end of the story.

It was not.

On the Tennessee internet, Kirk Herbstreit cannot own a dog without opening a second front.

There are people who love Herbstreit. Not tolerate him. Love him. They think he knows ball, calls it straight and has taken entirely too much shit from Tennessee fans over the years.

And now he has a dog.

A good dog.

That settles it.

GritsAndPeyton: “I’ve always liked Herbstreit. One of the best in the business.”

GritsAndPeyton would let Kirk borrow his truck.

Peter could have the lake-house code.

If Herbstreit showed up at 2 a.m. holding a bloody shovel, there would be one question:

Need me to grab the other end?

Across the thread, the anti-Herbie caucus saw the same dog and smelled a media operation.

CheckerboardCharlie: “Still a shill.”

VolSince82: “Dog’s fine. Kirk’s a carny.”

There you go.

No committee hearing. No discovery.

Carny.

These people remember everything Herbstreit has ever said about Tennessee. Peyton-Woodson. ESPN. The playoff. A stray sentence from a broadcast six years ago that most of America heard while reaching for another beer.

East Tennessee kept the tape.

So Peter becomes evidence.

To one side, he is a sweet dog.

To the other, he is Disney soft power with a tail.

A golden-retriever charm offensive.

Look at the dog. Forget what Kirk said about the playoff.

LWS Has Previous Experience With This Animal

We have already investigated Peter.

Last year, in a piece of journalism of questionable necessity, we considered the logistics of hauling Herbstreit’s dog around college football.

In that entirely fictional account, Peter ate boutique dog food called Farmer’s Table Pork with Ancient Grains, which sounds less like dog food than a $27 lunch served on a piece of slate.

Some poor production assistant followed him with biodegradable poop bags while Kirk prepared to explain Cover 2.

I still believe Peter’s poop intern has the worst job in college football.

Lane Kiffin’s recruiting coordinator is second.

Somewhere every Saturday, a 22-year-old communications major is standing behind America’s most famous football dog with a roll of carbon-neutral shit bags, waiting for Farmer’s Table Pork with Ancient Grains to complete its journey.

Our old story eventually had Nick Saban step in it.

Fiction.

To the best of our knowledge.

Then the Thread Ate Itself

The current Peter argument eventually stopped being about Peter.

It became an argument about the people arguing about Peter.

TouchGrassGeneral: “Some of y’all are way too bothered by a man bringing his dog to work.”

He posted that into a thread he had been reading for an hour.

Another poster said Peter was a good boy but Kirk needed to “chill some on the canine,” which makes it sound like Herbstreit had brought him to a zoning commission meeting in a BabyBjörn.

OldVolFan: “Never enough good dogs.”

By then the board was angry at people for being angry at people who were angry about Kirk Herbstreit’s dog.

Peter had not posted once.

He was winning the thread.

There is no middle ground with Herbstreit because Tennessee message boards do not maintain middle ground. It has been rezoned.

Kirk could praise Tennessee for four straight hours and somebody would bring up 2022.

He could criticize Ohio State and somebody would explain that this merely proves how deep the Ohio State conspiracy goes.

He could rescue Peter from a burning building and half the board would want to know who had the gasoline.

Peter, meanwhile, wants a snack.

He did not vote for Charles Woodson.

He has never ranked Tennessee too low.

He was not alive for most of the crimes entered into evidence.

Doesn’t matter.

Peter has entered Tennessee airspace.

The fighters are up.

Kirk can take care of himself.

Somebody get the dog a lawyer.

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More Herbie From the LWS Evidence Locker

• Who Is America’s Quarterback, Partner? Part Two — Peter, boutique dog food and the fictional Saban dookie incident.
• Longhorn Edition: Herbstreit & Fowler Drinking Game — playoff potshots, Manning-Woodson scar tissue and bourbon.
• Unpacking Bud Elliott’s Viral CFP Model: A Tennessee Perspective — the ESPN conspiracy file.

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