How we doing, REDACTED Vols? Losing your shit?

Tennessee led Furman 21–0 at halftime, which meant the season was over and every coach needed to be fired before the band left the field.

THE TENNESSEE “OH SHIT” TEMPERATURE GAUGE

The trouble began with the offensive line.

“Furman is getting pressure with engineering majors,” ThirdAndChavis reported. “That is not opinion. I have watched offensive-line play since dial-up.”

OldBullsGapVol blamed the scheme.

Gallavol blamed the guards.

bluetick88 blamed an official for failing to call a hold committed somewhere offscreen.

Then WBYAintRight dropped his bait:

“Six wins, maybe.”

Everybody knew what he was doing.

Twenty-three men did it anyway.

The play-calling was declared too conservative, too cute, too predictable and possibly written by someone who hates Tennessee. One thread demanded more tempo. Another asked why the Vols were hurrying. A third wanted Pendleton. Nobody agreed what Pendleton should do once he entered, but his absence had become malpractice.

Cromptons3rdRead arrived late but finally found the correct name.

“The real issue is Glen Elarbee. He’s the offensive-line coach. How many years of the same garbage do we need?”

REDACTED reopened its Elarbee file: every sack, every stuffed run and every guard who had ever been pushed backward on television. Years of poor coaching, the board called it. The 21 points were denied entry as irrelevant evidence.

George Cafego blamed helmet communication, spread formations and whichever bastard first decided a quarterback should stand five yards behind the center.

“Line up, put your hand in the dirt and whip somebody. Worked for Neyland.”

The defense sucked too.

“Soft coverage. No pressure. Furman is moving the ball whenever it wants,” SulliVol announced. “A real offense will hang fifty on us.”

Furman had scored zero.

This was apparently how bad things had become.

REDACTED had opened threads titled:

• Who Is Calling Plays?
• They’re Going to Get Him Killed
• This Wasn’t the Line Promised in the Offseason
• Why Is the OL Struggling Against Furman?
• The Coaches Are Cursed With Crap OL
• Hate to Complain Already…

That final thread had sixteen replies.

Nobody there hated it very much.

The Vols went to the locker room leading 21–0. REDACTED went there carrying an imaginary buyout check, three replacement coaches and enough pitchforks to invade a farming cooperative.

The season is over.

Fire all these fuckers.

Then hurry back for the third quarter.

They might score again.