Hat-tip to Juan Garcia-Abrego for this link. Click it for a monkeyspanking good time Link There are going to be some sore wieners after reviewing this spreadsheet of players.
All across the country another college football championship chase has been simmering just below the surface of the collective public. We “inch” forward in the race for the title of The Recruiting National Champion. The Tom Lemming/Beano Cook-clones and wannabes are preparing for National Signing Day, stocking up their Perfect Storm TailgateSigning Day Toolkits Kits. See below for the updated list of required items.
These are the days that adult men with unblushing man-crushes on 17 year old running backs will gush “That stud is a kid, err, that kid is a stud. Anyway fellas, I was watching his film last night, and could not stopping thinking of his hips and feet. What a specimen, what a stud”.
Yep, that’s right, these MySpace trolling freaks use words like stud, specimen, and if they are fully engorged with excitement, then the Pan Am Games Gold-quality phrase of “a stud’s specimen” will Freudian it’s way out.
Breathlessly, they count a prospect’s stars (ratings), comparing Rivals to Scout ratings and how that translates to overall final team ratings. They lament, “Why does Scout have us at 5 when Rivals has at 2? Scout is obviously involved in the ESPN conspiracy to keep us down too. And that fucking Tom Lemming is such a Notre Dame homer whore. He pushes kids to the Irish.”
Lemming pushes kids towards Weis’s safe and warm Marsupial-esqe Cul-de-Sac. Check the pouch above. There is room for Jimmy Clausen and Harrison Smith!!
It is sweet but painful ecstasy that these dorks agonize over a prospect’s visit to their school or another school, analyzing each written word of an interview for what the “stud” had to say.
Then with a thin film of sweat on their flat hairy faces, big sticky Jimmy Dean-sausage sized fingers hunt and peck on peculiarly stained keyboards as these obsessive freaks meet up with one another on Internet message boards. They call each other names as they share their opinions and dare anyone to question their “inside” source or their knowledge of evaluating football talent. These conversations almost never end well as things become “heated” as the message boards move into a sweet meltdown.
Today, these Myspace surfing freaks are making plans to gather in hotels on Signing Day to “track” their schools commitments. This will be the time for these freaks to “man-up” as they “call each other out” and it will also be the time for them to bond with each other. One can only imagine awful sweet stink man-sex smell that will permeate from these “war rooms”. Think of the smell of soiled underwear of Sailors on shore leave after a long cruise and being under a dark overpass to be in the recruiting moment. One thing not allowed are freaky cheerleaders.
Here are the required contents of the Perfect Storm Signing Day Toolkits. Some of the contents are slightly varied to fit the this special day.
- Black Socks
- Wife Beater Tee Shirt
- Boxer Underwear
- Rivals Recruiting Magazine (for visual stimulation)
- MySpace Log-in Information
- Industrial Grade Lubrication
- Penis Floss
- Kleenex with Aloe
- Wi-Fi Connection
No, its not Alabama-Auburn (Alabama is used in honor of our Crimson Tide Team Member) but to the freaks and geeks that obsess over college football, this day is just as important to them, if not more important, as any football game.
Fans are jockeying and posturing for a meaningless national championship, the recruiting national championship.
Fans
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